I Am The Luckiest 0% APR Guy In The World
Let me just start off by saying something that does not mean to offend or make it seem like I’m better than any of you. I’m not. I’m a regular Joe just like you and you and I have probably sat next to each other at a food court once without even knowing it as we scarfed down some kind of grossly fried orange chicken dish.
But…I am the luckiest guy in the world.
No, it has nothing to do with my writing or my book or my ability to gleek or the fact that my athletic prowess could have garnered me a spot in the Olympics. I am the luckiest guy in the world because the credit card companies have singled me out to receive a Special 0% APR Offer that only I have been offered.
In fact, it’s started to get a little embarassing lately. While my friends and family obsess over saving money and sticking to budgets and how they can only go out to eat once or twice a week due to their strict monetary guidelines, I am receiving 0% APR offers by the dozens. I’m not kidding you! I am receiving these golden-throated offers each and every day. Offers that will allow me to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars that I will never get charged to use.
It’s like Daddy Warbucks came to my doorstep, handed me a million bucks, and told me that I could spend and spend and spend and he’d never charge me any points for spending his money.
Luck totally plays a part. I know this. For awhile, I wondered if there was some kind of glitch in the system. Something that was spitting out my name over and over again telling the powers-that-be that Pauly D was the one man who should receive these wonderful 0% APR offers. I have friends, it’s true, who have been offered 6.9% and 9.9% APR, but 0%?! And with a packet of little checks, ready to use, ready to spend with?
Some friends try to warn me against the evils of such an offer. They tell me how an offer such as this is meant to suck me into the evil that is 0% APR. I just laugh at their lack of knowledge and point them to the Christ-inspired Christmas tree symbol at the bottom of the 0% APR logo (much like the scripture on the bottom of In n’ Out Burger soda cups) and show them that it is subtle, yes, and it is tiny, yes, but that no company with a religious symbol on their offer is evil, whatsoever!
Man, the luck just keeps on getting better with this special deal!
Now, I have been offered special deals in the past. I am not new to this whole thing. I have witnessed pyramid schemes that promise special riches. But I have never been addressed in the first person, on the outside of an envelope that contains an offer to spend someone else’s money and never to be held responsible!
I am laughing giddily at the possibilities! Hahahahahahahaha.
Free money! It is a concept that is both dizzying and intoxicating all at once. It is something I never dreamed would come to my doorstep. It is an offer I cannot possibly refuse. Because when someone sends you a letter with blank checks and tells you that no matter how much you spend you’ll only be held 0% responsible for your actions with it… Well-
…that must make me the luckiest 0% APR guy in the world.