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  • Paul Davidson

Your Boss Hates You

Believe it or not, no matter what you think you know…your boss hates you.

He/she hates the way you come in on time, all cheery and such. They can’t stand the way you get your work done on time. The thoroughness. The attention to detail. The good-natured attitude when they give you even more work to do. All they can think as they watch you go about your day is that it must stop.

But their hands are tied.

Your boss goes home at the end of the day and sits around the dinner table with his or her family and talks endlessly about how much he/she hates you. How that whole drinking eight glasses of water a day is driving them crazy, watching you re-fill your water, drink it, then go to the bathroom and repeat it over and over again all day long. Then, your bosses’ significant other suggests possibly giving you even more work to subtly try and get you to quit. Your boss thinks that’s a great idea.

But their hands are tied.

So, in hating you, which yes your boss really does — they go about attempting to find ways to passively-agressively push you to the breaking point. Weekend retreats, management training sessions, trips to the supply room, limiting the number of post-its you can use on a bi-weekly basis. From suggesting you work harder to suggesting you work too hard to suggesting your work is hardly working…your boss is doing everything to make you think you’re insane.

That’s what bosses who hate you…do.

At your bosses’ home, in the basement (where his/her kids play) there’s a dart board with your evaluation sheet from last year. There’s also a polaroid of you from last year’s holiday party. Your bosses’ kids and their friends throw darts at your face, calling you “butthead” and laughing hysterically. Sometimes, when your boss tucks their kids into bed, he/she reads them a story about “the littlest butthead” which is a story about a sad, sorry little butthead who has no clue in the world. It’s the only story your bosses’ kids hear that doesn’t have a happy ending.

So, when you go to work and sit down at your desk and sing a cheery “hello” to your boss, remember that no matter what he/she says… No matter what he/she does… No matter how nice or forthcoming or supportive he/she may be… Your boss hates you.

And that’s just the way it is.

In other news, tomorrow brings us another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment”! That’s where you provide the idea, I steal it, and we all live happily ever after in a world where Creative Commons protects the guilty and encourages the innocent to… Damn, I lost my train of thought.

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