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  • Paul Davidson

You’ve Got a Blackhead But I’m Not Telling

I have no problem telling you that you’ve got food in your teeth.

But there comes a point where I draw the line.

There are a variety of things I will not tell you that you’ve got goin’ on because it embarasses me more than it embarasses you. I will not tell you that you smell (from a lack of using deodorant). I will not tell you that you walk with a hilarious limp. I will not mention that there’s a mole the size of a quarter with wiry The Fly/The Fly II hairs sticking out of it. I will not mention your speech impediment, your facial ticks or your unique talent to spray everything with saliva every time you take a bite out of your sandwich.

And above all, I will never mention that blackhead.

Here’s the reality of personal presentation issues: I have to believe that all of us want to look our best. I have to believe that every day when we leave our house we have already taken a shower, brushed our teeth, put on deodorant, combed our hair, put on new clean clothing and checked ourselves for glaring errors. I have to believe this.

But if I do believe such things, then I also have to believe that you went out of the house knowing there was something on your forehead that needed to be exfoliated. I have to believe that you left it there for a reason. Blackheads never show up in the middle of the day. They always appear at night. So for you to let it stay there, there has to be a reason.

This is, of course, different from the whole food in your teeth scenario. You eat, away from a mirror, and food gets caught inbetween your teeth. This is excusable and this is a detail you are not aware of. Thus, I am happy to tell you about it.

But if you walk out of your house knowing you’ve got a blackhead on your forehead, I gotta believe you decided to leave it there for one of three reasons:

1. You think it’s fashionable. 2. You want to see if people will mention it. 3. You’re lazy.

Either way, you’ve got a blackhead but I’m not telling. And for that, you should be shot and I should be hailed as the most amazing non-blackhead teller upper in the world today.

I await my sash.

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