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  • Paul Davidson

You May Not Know It, But My Face Isn’t Totally Symmetrical

I have given up obsessing over my head being huge, just so you know.

That’s because something much more sinister has appeared on the horizon of my subconscious. Something that, whether you want to believe it or not, affects how people deal with me, how they interact with me, and how they talk about me behind my back. Yes, it’s true and I don’t really want to admit it.

Yes. My face isn’t totally symmetrical.

Talk about a bummer. Scientists have recently published articles on people’s symmetrical or non-symmetrical faces and that people find other people attractive when their features match up on both sides of their face. I mean, let’s face it — if your left eye is higher than you right eye, you look a bit strange. Or if your teeth on one side of your mouth look straight but are crooked on the other?

Well, after reading some of these articles, I wanted to go so far as to really make sure my face was symmetrical. Sure, when I look in the mirror I often compliment myself on my good looks and my ability to use such good looks to break down the walls of insecurity for those who run into me at the park, in line at the supermarket or at the Blockbuster Video store. But lately, I’ve found that people are not as nervous around my symmetrical face and it got me to wondering…

Was my face not nearly as symmetrical as I had previously thought?

I got one of those heavy-duty measuring tape thingies that you buy at Home Depot — the big metallic ones with the huge yellow button that allows you to stop the tape and keep the long metallic strip from going back up and into the casing.

I positioned my face straight ahead looking into the mirror and I pulled out the measuring tape. I locked it at six inches and grabbed a magic marker so I could mark exactly where six inches was. For example, I would mark six inches out from my nose on the left and right side of my face. If it didn’t hit the same place on each side of my cheek – my face wasn’t symmetrical. I did the same for my forehead and my chin. My mouth and my ears. Everything had to be the same distance out from the nose or I’d be confirming my current fears.

Sadly, in the middle of it all, the yellow lock button on the measuring tape went loose and the metal strip snapped back and nailed me in the corner of my eye — leaving a mark that was, ironically, not present on the other eye — thus making my eyes completely un-symmetrical.

But even worse, after the stinging and crying and rushing around the house like a chicken with his head cut off — I realized that my left and right eyes are off about a quarter of an inch, and that my cheeks are not symmetrical either. My left cheekbone is about three-quarters of an inch from my nose, while my right cheekbone is about three millimeters less than three-quarters of an inch from my nose.

Sure, you may not think you notice things like that, but you do. Subconsciously.

Fortunately, I’ve figured out a way to get my rapdily deforming and un-symmetrical face back in line. If I try to half-smile with the right side of my face, while half-closing my left eye at the same time — everything falls back in line. And although it makes it hard to drive, talk, or laugh AND some people might think I’ve been afflicted with Down’s Syndrome (although, a very attractive guy with Down’s Syndrome) — isn’t the alternative much much better?

YES.

See…you may not know that my face isn’t totally symmetrical, and that’s just fine by me. Because I don’t mind being beautiful. Really, I don’t.

As for the mark on my eye — well, that’s just a plain ‘ol pain in the ass.

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