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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Vegetarians

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” is the second edition to come to you straight from the heart of Texas where I am currently working as a Producer on the ABC show The Benefactor. The weekly WFYE column is usually provided by you and then I give you a wonderful link to your blog or site.

This week, you’re all a bunch of lazy losers. And so, instead — this week’s column is brought to you by my very close friend with whom I share a very deep emotional connection. He dug deep and provided this week’s topic which has to do with the world’s most annoying and vocal food snobs… Vegetarians.

It’s my humble opinion that vegetarians like to cause conflict.

Whenever you find yourself in any eating situation whatsoever, you’d better believe that if you’re near a vegetarian they’re bound to say something that will announce their vegetarianism. They love to cause conflict, they love to be the center of such conflict and even if the conversation you’re having has nothing to do with their veganist-life, they will always find a way to mention their superior lifestyle.

Me: “So, then after they pulled my cousin’s lifeless body from the car wreck, they took him to the hospital where they immediately put him into the intensive care unit…”

Friend #1: “Wow. That’s really sad, I hope he was OK.”

Vegetarian: You know, people who eat too much red meat have been known to end up in the ER. Did you know I don’t eat red meat because I’m a vegetarian?”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Vegetarian: “Blah blah blah blah asparagus blah blah blah blah spinach blah blah blah blah soy protein blah blah blah blah Whole Foods blah blah blah blah tofutti cuties blah blah blah…”

I do not have anything against vegetarians, contrary to popular belief after reading the above sarcastic exchange. I do not look down on them, nor do I feel hatred towards them. But I think that most of them are extremely self-absorbed and love to talk their food obsession to death.

Can you imagine if all I did around you was talk about my own, new/original food eating plan?

You: “So, how’s everything going with your family? Your friends?”

Me: “Good. Did you know all I eat now is raw, red meat and milkshakes?”

You: “Huh?”

Me: “All I eat is raw meat. Like the hunters of our olden times. Raw red meat.”

You: “…and milkshakes?”

Me: “Yes. Strawberry milkshakes. It’s really the most original and groundbreaking food diet I’ve ever been on… Red meat, did I mention that it’s all that I eat?”

You: “Uh huh…”

I would drive you crazy. Yet you, Mr. and Mrs. Vegetarian, continue to cause food plates to be returned, reworked, rejigged on a daily basis. You make sure everyone on airplanes, in hotels and at bars are well aware of what foods you do not eat. You do your best to insert the words soy and tofu at ever corner.

You are obsessed. And you must stop.

In other news — I do believe my piece about “Embarrassment” is up today at Hollywoodlog. So check it out and criticize me with all your might.

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