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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: The Other Pauly D

Do you remember when you were a kid in junior high school? Do you remember when Fridays were a huge day for you because, well, the weekend was here? And do you remember how when you got older and started working, although Fridays were exciting — they just paled in comparison until you found your way to Fridays at WFME?

Do you feel at home now? (There’s hot chocolate on the stove, btw.)

Once again, Friday at WFME brings us “Words For Your Enjoyment” — this week’s idea was given to the powers-that-be by WFME good-friend Kathleen who thought it would be a smart (and safe) idea to find other Pauly Ds out there in the world and give them my home address.

Okay, not my home address — but my e-mail.

This week’s Other Pauly D hails from Michigan where he plays Center for the Michigan State University Basketball Team. As I started to look over his stats, I began to wonder about my life versus the life of other Pauly Ds. Were other Pauly Ds having more fun than I was? I decided to compare the stats and see who came out on top (it was going to have to be me, I was going to make sure of it.)

Height Doppleganger “Basketball Pauly” measures in at 6’11. Yours truly measures in at 6 feet. Being taller may be beneficial in basketball, but really — doesn’t it make things like going on rollercoasters, entering small pagodas and igloos, and bending down to pick up change on the street troublesome? I think so. Basketball Pauly – 0, Pauly D – 1

Weight Clone “Basketball Pauly” weighs in at 255. Yours truly, around 195. Obesity is out, people. And gross obesity like you know who at 255, well — I’m just gonna say three words: South Beach Diet. Basketball Pauly – 0, Pauly D – 2

Scoring Stats Test tube replicant “Basketball Pauly” can score with his back to the basket or by stepping out on the perimeter. Yours truly can score anywhere he wants — bars, supermarkets, libraries and especially book stores. The ladies dig, ya know? Basketball Pauly – 0, Pauly D – 3

Dispatching Vermin Wannabe Pauly “Basketball Pauly” was faced with a gopher problem on 2/26 in 2003. He stood strong, and rebounded against them six times. I have caught three rats, thrown out two dead birds (in my backyard), and killed four spiders in the bathtub. Sorry, Pauly – I’ve got nine. Basketball Pauly – 0, Pauly D – 4

Education Double-trouble “Basketball Pauly” is a communications major. Yours truly, film major. No contest. Basketball Pauly – 0, Pauly D – 5

Sure, there are more stats, but is this shut-out even worth continuing? I think not. The reality is this — as far as I can tell there are no other Pauly Ds out there whose lives can surpass mine in greatness and entertainment value. Hell, I killed four spiders! What did you-know-who do? Puh-leeeze.

This exercise in success, however, brings up an interesting point. If you could find all the other YOUS out there (with the same name) and they were living a better life than you, how would you feel? What if the OTHER YOU was more attractive, richer, happier?

Personally, I try not to worry about the fact that the actual double of me (living in the 4th or 5th dimension) is having more fun than me. That would be depressing. I’d have to go to the 4th (or 5th) dimension and dispatch him. Put an end to his craziness.

Oh, I would stop him.

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