Aah, Friday.
Do you know anyone who says that? I once knew a guy at an office gig who was constantly walking around the office at the end of the week saying that with this breath-in-his-voice… It was like he was looking out at the Grand Canyon or something yet the Grand Canyon in this isolated case was, in actuality, a big Arizonian cavern called “Friday.”
It’s obvious he should have been sacked.
Nonetheless, along with Friday comes our ritualistic (with no blood shed) “Words For Your Enjoyment”! And this week’s creative suggestion comes from longtime WFME pal-o-ours, Chase. Chase asks, “Has Pauly D ever seen The O.C.? If so, or even if not, what would be his single episode guest arc?”
Funny you ask that, Chase. Because not only am I an avid watcher of what some (me, actually) have called “The 90210 for the Naughts” — but I also went to college in The O.C. at the University of California at Irvine (where, ironically, the creator of The O.C. and Charlie’s Angels, McG, went to school as well). And while I went there I lived on the sands in a luxurious place they call Newport Beach. As for my single episode guest arc — it would go a little something like this:
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We are travelling over the misty waters of Newport Beach, passing over a luscious cliff and hovering atop a beautiful house. That house, belongs to the Cohens.
Inside, Seth Cohen, his parents (Sandy & Kirsten), and their adopted Chino-son Ryan stand around the kitchen counters eating bagels.
Seth: You gotta love Brunchinner!
Ryan: Brunchinner?
Seth: Yes, Brunchinner…Chino. For as long as humans have walked this Earth they have been punished with having to eat three separate meals a day. Well no longer, my family and friends. Now, one meal combines all three in what I have creatively-dubbed “Brunchinner.”
Sandy: He’s your son.
Kirsten: I may have bore him, Sandy. But he’s got your eyes.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere — the back door to the house opens. There stands none other than Connor Conners (a.k.a. Paul Davidson). A once hot dot-commer with money to burn, he’s arrived on the back doorstep of the Cohens in a unique way. Face bloody and dirty (but not so bloody and dirty that you couldn’t make out his attractive square jaw), he stumbles onto the floor and collapses at Kirsten’s feet.
Kirsten: Oh my god, Sandy!
Sandy: Oh my god. Ryan, Seth — help us here.
Everyone rushes to Connor’s side, desperate to get the words out…
Sandy: Who are you? What’s going on? Are you ok?
Connor: My…limited…edition…Boxter!? Is…it…OK?
Everyone turns — there, crashed on the edge of the Cohen backyard is a crushed Boxster — as if it had fallen out of the sky.
Sandy: What the-? It looks like that car came crashing down from out of the sky!!
Connor sits up, amazingly aware.
Connor: Yeah, see — I’m a dot com millionaire with money to spare and I wanted to see if quite possibly I could drive my Boxter out the back of a regulation Army transport plane and see if the parachute would slowly drop me down to PCH at which point I would speed and weave through oncoming traffic because secretly, honestly, I may be attractive and rich and have a Boxster, but in reality, I am a tortured soul with a need to be loved, and secretly by crashing here in your backyard I am hoping that there might be a girl, close by (or even next door) who may be able to bring my confidence back up while making someone like, oh this Chino kid, sort of jealous.
Connor collapses back down, out of breath.
Kirsten: Sandy. Call the doctor!
Sandy: I’m on it.
Seth: Intriguing.
Ryan: Yes, you could say that.
Seth and Ryan share a look. They’re suspicious. VERY suspicious.
The rest of the episode, of course, will center on Connor’s being nursed back to health in the Cohen back bedroom while Ryan’s old next-door flame (Marissa) becomes the Florence Nightengale character and falls for him, jumping into bed with him one afternoon and getting caught by Ryan. It is a situation that is quite uncomfortable and forces a fist fight between Ryan and Connor.
In the end, Ryan bitch slaps Connor who takes it like a man, leaves the Cohen household, and opens an juice shop across the pier from the club and where the kids will continue to hang out after school as they slurp down sugar-filled juice drinks. But Connor isn’t giving up on Marissa that easily. Connor isn’t going to be relegated to a ONE EPISODE ARC, my friends. He’s going to hang around longer than Nat on 90210. He’s going to get his name (my name, we mean) in the opening credits as a season regular.
At least, if any of this was true, that’s how it would all play out.