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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: The Beeper

This week, I have decided not to start off “Words For Your Enjoyment” with a paragraph of hyberbole and metaphors. I have decided not to talk about the dawn of a new day and how today’s entry somehow involves allegory and emotional resonance.

Let’s be real — it’s a bunch of zeros and ones.

Aaah, but zeros and ones as inspired by Kathleen, who asks, “The beeper – is it still around?”

Oh, Kathleen — I’m glad that you asked.

You may or may not realize the time and effort I put into each and every one of my posts. Research is key. Everything I put here is read by (literally) thousands. If I were to simply cast off an idea without doing any preparation or research — I would be doing all of you a great disservice. So for Kathleen’s question, well, I began making calls right off the bat.

None of my close contacts had any real leads on this so called “Beeper.” Sure, I would have no problem telling you if “The Juice” or “The Fridge” were still around. After their tenure in the NFL, they moved forward into other careers…some luckier than others. I came across some current trivia on people like “The Rock” and “The Pampered Chef”, but “The Beeper?”

An extended/exhaustive evening of no sleep uncovered the first clue to the current whereabouts of The Beeper. I found this, cached on a site somewhere out there:

The Beeper Person bears the ultimate responsibility for handling emergencies when the SIC is unavailable. This does not mean he has to do everything himself. Depending on the nature and complexity of the emergency, the appropriate response may be to call in other staff members to assist.

Apparently, I had figured out, The Beeper was not alone. He was handling issues with The SIC. But who was The SIC? If I could find this person, then I would definitely find the two of them, most likely, handling referenced emergencies together. I immediately set off to research the best-friend of The Beeper. My searching uncovered this strange bit of information:

The SIC meets every month to review new complaints and update ongoing investigations. When a complaint is brought forward, the SIC reviews it carefully.

So, the picture was becoming clearer. The Beeper and The SIC worked together handling emergencies. The SIC, on his/her own, reviewed complaints and handled ongoing investigations every month. So, using my adept S.A.T. and A.C.T. studying experience, I came to the following conclusion:

If ‘The Beeper’ and ‘The SIC’ handled emergencies together, and ‘The SIC’ handled ongoing investigations every month, then ‘The Beeper’ and ‘The SIC’ most likely handled their business together on that one day per month. If I could only find out where and when that one day per month was, I would have the answer to Kathleen’s question — “Is ‘The Beeper’ still around?”

Sadly, and I have to be honest with all of you (especially Kathleen) — I was unable to find the one common denominator between ‘The Beeper’ and ‘The SIC’. Although the two of them could possibly be meeting right now as you read this, I have no idea where that may be, what they may be talking about, and what ‘The Beeper’ is up to.

But what I can tell you is this — ‘The Beeper’ is still around, and no matter what they’re doing — they’re at least doing something. (Maybe even handling emergencies, right this minute!) Yes, Kathleen — there is a ‘The Beeper’ and he/she is still around. And really, if you take Kathleen’s question word-for-word, I’ve answered it. I’ve proved it. The Beeper is still around. Period. Who cares who he/she is with? Who cares what he/she is doing? The existence of The Beeper has been proven. They are still around.

Ta da!

I really need a weekend.

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