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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Predictions

The first “Words For Your Enjoyment” in 2005. Really, it is a moment that I have been looking forward since the last “Words For Your Enjoyment” in 2004. Really, it was only a week, but since they each took place in a totally different year, the whole experience felt…well…different and exciting.

If I must be honest with all of you, I would have to say that I am quite talented when it comes to predicting what will befall all of us over the course of the next calendar year. I am so good, that some have referred to my talents as “freaky”, “strange”, “eerie” and “stupendous.”

And so, without further adieu, I give you the 2005 WFME Predictions For What May Actually Happen in 2005 No Thanks To My Third Eye (Which For Those Who Don’t Know, Relates To The Fact That I May Actually Have Some Kind of Psychic Powers.

Prediction #1 Dirt becomes the new cleanser.

Prediction #2 Having already bred hypo-allergenic kittens, companies begin creating edible marmots.

Prediction #3 MP3s will fall to the wayside as rock n’ roll bands allow themselves to be shrunk down to the size of gnats who then will get into your backpack or fanny pack and perform for you for an hourly fee. Once finished, said gnat/band members will be re-enlarged for their next gig.

Prediction #4 Fox News, CNN and MSNBC will give way to news channels Not-So-Much News, FNN (Fake News Network) and B.S.NBC — who will all simply create the news they want to make-up to get you to watch.

Prediction #5 Donald Trump will go broke. Well, publicly admit that he is broke. Umm, I mean — he’ll admit that he’s always been broke. Or something like that.

Precition #6 A man, somewhere, will break up with his girlfriend and tell her the real reason why (i.e., that she doesn’t look like all the real women from the magazines.)

Prediction #7 Using complicated algorithms, extremely confusing equations and an iron — I will finally learn how to make my dress pants look good.

Prediction #8 Tsunamis, earthquakes, and global terrorism will pale in comparison to the comeback film career of Pauly Shore (new movie being released on DVD this month).

Prediction #9 The words “radical”, “awesome”, “mint” and “kick-ass” will all be replaced by WFME’s brand-new all purpose word: “shaztastic”.

Prediction #10 Any or all of the above predictions may or may not come true if someone puts a hex on me to negate all my psychic abilities.

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