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  • Paul Davidson

Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Pet Monkeys

It’s amazing what free pizza will do for Friday’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” — idea wise.

As the ideas came flooding in this week, yours truly had a generous helping of creative and off-the-wall suggestions, but based on current events and wanting WFYE to be as newsworthy as possible I have chosen a suggestion from Chris. Chris writes, “What’s it really like having a pet monkey and are you afraid that he might secretly try to pull out a knife and attack you in your sleep?”

With all the psychotic apes and chimpanzees attacking humans lately in the news, Chris has offered up a wonderfully significant idea, which will be rewarded by (YES) two free, hot, pungent delivery-style pizzas. (Editor’s note: Chris, please contact WFME Pizza Dispatch ASAP with your contact info, preferred time of delivery, and what toppings you’d like. Seriously.)

So. Pet Monkeys.

There are three chapters in my life that deal with pet monkeys. There’s the time I desperately wanted a pet monkey (Chapter 1), then there’s the time I was deathly afraid of pet monkeys after seeing the horror film Monkey Shines (Chapter 2), then there was the time I was definitely completely sure I never wanted to try and tame a pet monkey in the privacy of my own home or in some animal sanctuary after reading about the rogue monkey that attacked 23 Japanese women (Chapter 3). And don’t even get me started on Chapter 3 1/2 which involves Charleton Heston and Roddy McDowell.

But still, characters like Curious George (the docile pet monkey of the famous children’s book and soon-to-be CGI feature film) and Clyde from the Clint Eastwood flick Every Which Way But Loose have always brought those crazy dirty apes close to my heart (especially after realizing that I could seriously make money using a monkey for organ-grinding purposes), but having a pet monkey doesn’t mean that one should use said pet monkey as a stream of income — it’s really about creating a comfortable home atmosphere for said pet monkey and bringing him/her/it up as a member of the family. That’s where the emotional connection comes from.

But Chris brings up an important point. (Cue Sarah Jessica Parker’s Sex and the City voice here:) When do pet monkeys become psychotic pet monkeys?

Here’s the deal, people. You have to treat a pet monkey just like you treat a two year old child that happens to be the spawn of the devil. You put those plastic covers on the electrical outlets. You keep all the lower cabinet doors locked with those plastic doohickeys. You keep the knives locked away (since pet monkeys can climb up really high so there’s no use in hiding them up above the fridge). You make sure that you give your pet monkey time outs if they disobey you. Sometimes carrying around a tin can full of pennies and shaking it violently will stop a pet monkey from stabbing you or attempting to fill the house up with gas then light a match — those pennies can do wonders to curb the psychotic instincts of your brand-new fluffy pet monkey.

Making your pet monkey feel like an equal member of your nuclear family can also help. Let him sit on the couch and watch Jake in Progress with you. Let him set up his very own Season Passes on the TiVo — even if it’s a bunch of Animal Planet crap. Encourage your pet monkey to do things that allow him to evolve. Let him play Scrabble. Let him walk using all five toes. Let him go out and get the mail and open up the letters addressed to your next door neighbors.

Bottom line: Let your pet monkey be human.

Humans don’t, traditionally, kill their owners in the middle of the night with knives. Usually, they try to kill their fellow family members by slowly, methodically wearing them down on an emotional level for years and years, which before long, will just cause you to drop dead from “natural causes.” Humans prefer to kill you with kindness. With over-stimulation. With overbearing, sufficating actions.

With a little practice and a lot of hard work, you too can train your pet monkey to be the human kind of pet monkey who will never even allow the thoughts of knife-wielding to enter his/her/it’s head. Your monkey will be happy, healthy, and may even learn how to use the toilet.

To answer Sarah Jessica and Chris’ question, though — a monkey becomes a psychotic pet monkey when you belittle him/her/it. So do your best, if you’re debating picking up a black-market pet monkey to pet-monkey-ize your house and your psyche before he/she/it shows up. Be ready to treat your brand-new pet monkey just like your sister. Nay…better than your sister.

Because in the long run, your sister can be arrested by the cops for trying to stab you. But a pet monkey…?

I think you know where I’m going with this.

In other news, Words For My Enjoyment has hit the big time. We are now being considered experts on skin care and nail care. Hell, check it out — you’ll see what we mean.

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