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  • Paul Davidson

Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Olympic Games

Just when you think the citizens of the world aren’t paying attention to what’s going on, you open your e-mail and get a WFYE suggestion from one Suzie who suggests that you “talk about the Olympics since the opening ceremony is tonight.”

But just talking about the Olympics and what they’re about and the fact that these torches with the neverending flame are so movie-magic special effects (what flame could last that long while being run across mountaintops and valleys and roads — my lighter goes out when I open the front door, so, we just won’t pull back the curtain on that stuff) has been done before.

We also won’t talk about all the events currently about to take place in Athens. I mean, these events are traditional, they’ve been a part of the Olympics for decades, and I’d much rather talk about the events that aren’t in the Olympics. You hear people talk about this pretty reguarly, the kinds of events they’d like to see but there’s no chance in Hell it’s going to happen. Well, I too have my own suggestions and since it’s so timely and newsworthy and reeks of “professional journalism”, why not go ahead and have a crack at it.

So, here I go. (Clears throat). I give you…my top 10 suggestions for new events that should be added to the Olympic Games, and stat!

10. Knock This Off My Shoulder, I Dare You: Competing Olympians challenge each other to “knock this off my shoulder, I dare you.” Objects in the first round are simple things like batteries and small beanie babies, but things quickly get crazy. Tenth and eleventh round objects include (but are not limited to) live babies and mannequins.

9. Competitive Gleeking: If you know me, you know this one is a personal fave. Olympians with larger-than-normal spit glands challenge each other to gleek as far as possible. The farthest gleeker will win the gold. (Ed note: Gleeking is NOT spitting. It is pure saliva.)

8. Nose-cracking: You’ve seen those people who cup their noses with both hands, secretly placing their thumbnail behind their two front teeth and then twisting their hands and flicking their thumb in order to create the illusion that they’re cracking their nose? In this event, unknowing audience members who react the strongest to Olympians “supposedly” cracking their nose will decide the winner. All about acting, here.

7. Horse throwing: Simple. Throw a horse as far as you can. (Disclaimer: Horses will be affixed with proper protective gear as to not hurt them in the fall.)

6. Falsetto Karaoke River Rafting: This event satisfies a few groups of athletes who have been trying to get their suggested sports included in the Olympic games. It includes those who were unfortunately born with falsetto voices and can only resort to singing Donna Summer songs at late-night Karaoke parties and those who river raft. In this event, boats will be affixed with portable (and wireless) Karaoke machines, and one member must constantly sing in a falsetto voice while going over rapids. Each time a singer stops singing, they must go back to the starting line and begin again.

5. Rope Climbing (Male Only Sport): For a sport that took up so much time in elementary school gym class, it’s time this sport reaches the Olympic Games. Players must simply, climb to the top of a rope as quickly as possible then slide down to the bottom, avoiding the knots in the rope which could tragically turn them into a eunich.

4. Dead Car Battery Jumping: No one in the continental United States knows how to jump start a car battery, except for the people at AAA. Well, finally – the unsung heroes of the most successful roadside assistance company can go for the Gold when they’re faced with a lot of dead cars. Who will jumpstart the most in the quickest time period with only two AAA batteries and some flint?

3. No, You Did: An Olympic game for the end of the games (since it’s so obscure), Olympians go head-to-head in a conversation, standing over a broken 17th Century vase. Who broke it? Who knows. Both Olympians can only say “No, You Did.” The first Olympian to admit that indeed, they broke the vase (even though they didn’t) loses.

2. Cat In The Cradle: The famous childhood stretchy-rope tied around your hands game would infuse a well-needed “excitement level” into the games. Two players go head to head, grabbing the string back and forth until someone just can’t find the next move.

1. Big-Wheel Off-Road Crepe-Making Waterski Balloon Challenge: Olympians would have to train for years to be successful in this Triathalon of athletic prowess. From a first leg of Big Wheel racing over rough terrain, to a chef school where players must dust themselves off and make raspberry crepes and eat them, to a waterski challenge where players must pop balloons between their knees while skiing over the floating, colorful buoys — potential Olympians may be hard to find for such a diverse and exciting event.

(Note: The above items were not presented in a best to worst format.)

In other news, I begin contributing to LAist today. Check it out if you (a) love L.A., (b) hate L.A., or (c) like eclairs.

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