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  • Paul Davidson

Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Halle Berry’s Deaf Ear

Personally, I would vote for a President who would change the five-day work week into a four-day work week, just requiring everyone to work 2 extra hours each of those four days and as a result, giving all Americans a three-day weekend every week.

Of course, if that was the case, there would be no “Words For Your Enjoyment” on Friday. And that, I know, would be a very very very very very sad state of affairs. So, you know, be glad that such changes will probably never ever happen, at least until we demonstrate our warp drive and the Vulcans see it and the Universe is at peace (and we get a three day weekend). Until then, we’ll just continue on with WFYE on Fridays.

Today’s idea suggestion comes from Chase, whose timely question was, “Does the fact that Halle Berry is deaf in one ear affect her career decisions?”

Well…let’s take a scientific look at Halle Berry’s career choices and determine if, by chance, the fact that she is deaf in one ear has some effect on her equilibrium while she’s reading scripts, which possibly could make her dizzy, causing her to not want to finish reading said script and simply agreeing to do it so no one finds out that her deaf ear is causing her to not want to read. (The reason Chris Tucker picks not-so-great movies and doesn’t work that often is because (gasp) the guy can’t read!)

Could be the case. Let’s take a look:

From 1991 to 1993, Halle Berry stormed onto the movie scene, grabbing meaty roles in such movies as Jungle Fever (1991), The Last Boy Scout (1991), Boomerang (1992) and the well-regarded mini-series Queen by Roots author, Alex Haley. She finished up those three years with the wildly successful The Program in 1993.

It was in 1994 that Halle Berry went deaf in one ear. Following that incident, her movie choices suddenly changed.

Her first choice out of the gate, after no longer able to read scripts without getting vertigo was the stellar movie, The Flintstones (1994), the stinker of a movie Losing Isaiah (1995) and the role of a (get this) flight attendant in the 1996 movie Executive Decision. With her movie roles continually getting worse she did herself one better, signing on to the horrific movie B*A*P*S in 1997 — a movie about Black American Princesses trying to live off a rich Beverly Hills rich guy’s fortune. Bleeccch.

Not having much luck in movies, Halle returned to television where the scripts were much shorter and required less dizzying-reading. The result was the role she won some awards for, Introducing Dororthy Dandridge. High on the critical acclaim, she sat back down with some of those anti-nausious wrist-band thingies on her wrists, and tried to read a few feature screenplays.

Her new choices resulted in a role as white-haired, white-eyed, no-screen timed mutant in X-Men (2001), a topless whore in Swordfish (2002) and a crazed lunatic in Gothika (2003). Most recently, coincidentally starting today in theaters everywhere she chose the ultra-stinker Catwoman. Just so you know, we can all look forward to her other 2004 release, Nappily Ever After where she plays the role of Venus Johnson.

So, in providing all the pertinent information (her Academy Award is not pertinent to this expose nor does it help me in my ability to directly connect her lack of hearing to her lack of good career choices) you can plainly see that it was Halle Berry’s lack of hearing (starting in 1994) that caused her to make a myriad of horrible acting choices. The reason? Because when you can’t hear in one ear, you get dizzy. And when you get dizzy, the last thing you want to do is read scripts. And when the last thing you want to do is read scripts, you let your agents make your decisions for you.

And everyone knows, you never let your agents make decisions for you.

So, yes Chase. Halle Berry’s deafness in one ear has most definitely affected her movie-choices and caused her to, 95.9% of the time make horrible choices all because she can’t hear in one ear. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had equilibrium problems, and if she’s having the same issues she is surely not going to read a one-hundred and twenty page screenplay. No way. No how.

It’s sad. It’s true. And you heard it here first. (I wonder if the AP is going to pick this groundbreaking piece of journalism up for their wire services today?)

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