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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Gum Whitening

Welcome back. We missed you.

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” comes to us from Kevin, who was rambling on and on about gum and chewing and how Trident was the first gum ever chewed in space and it was just too overwhelming and so I took the first word he uttered…”gum”, and spun that into an idea which you are now about ready to peruse.

Trident White.

This is the gum, according to recent television commercial ads, that whitens your teeth as you chew it. That’s right, you chew this gum in the back of your mouth, between the wisdom teeth and the molars at the back of your skull and it turns your teeth a pretty white color!!

Wheeeee. Am I missing something?

I know that I opted to transfer out of chemistry class for the easier elective (which was Geology) in high school, and I know that I never quite understood what “a mole” was in Chemistry class, but I am smart enough to be able to tell you that if you chew gum in your mouth that contains a whitening agent, there is no way in hell that the fronts of your teeth are going to get whiter.

I can admit that I have used those whitening strips before. Yes, I have. They are clear strips that you place on the fronts of your teeth… the area of your teeth that everyone sees when you smile — and I have watched as (over time) my teeth have been lightened. Yes, it works. It is amazing technology.

But if you give me gum and tell me that by chewing it, my teeth will grow brighter, I have to believe that you are lying to me. You must be. There is no way this works.

I know, I know. Read the instructions, right? Buy the gum, then read the back. What does it say? Probably something like this:

In order for Trident White to whiten your teeth, you must first chew the gum into a sticky paste. Once the gum has reached a consistency that is somewhere between hard and chewy, flatten the gum out with your fingers or tongue. Stretch the now flattened gum out to a 1 inch by 3 inch rectangle, placing said rectangle over your teeth. Press down hard, pushing the flattened gum onto and around your upper and lower teeth. Leave for two hours. Repeat twelve times daily to see results.

That’s gotta be it. Because if it isn’t, I am totally missing something.

Am I totally missing something?

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