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  • Paul Davidson

Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Creeps

This week’s Words For Your Enjoyment column idea is brought to you by Jessi whose suggestion for this week’s post was to provide the answer to the following question:

“Do you think that if you ask someone you met online if they’re creepy, that their answer is a good indication of if they really are creepy or not?”

These days, the Internet is a great way to meet people, as long as you’re not meeting psycho killers, pedophiles or young men pretending to be young women. But how do you really determine if the person you’re talking to is really the person they say they are? I have worked long and hard using the same technology that the people at eHarmony say they use to calculate who is supposed to belong with each other, to determine if the person you’re talking to is creepy or not. Please use these questions carefully and, as always, you can’t sue me if they backfire on you.

Ten Questions You Can Ask Your Internet Buddy/Potential Lifemate To Determine If They’re, In Actuality, Really Damn Creepy

1. Would you say, hypothetically, that just maybe…you might be, sort of, a little bit creepy?

2. Did you ever see that movie Williard where Crispin Glover became friends with like a thousand rats then used them to attack all the people he hated at his office, and eat them alive?

2b. (Only to be asked if the answer to #2 is YES) Do you think the rats got a raw deal in the end?

3. Is your pinkie fingernail longer than the rest of your fingernails?

4. Can you speak anything using the language of Klingon?

5. I know you already answered a question like this before, but, let’s say someone on the street stopped you and asked you if you were, sort of, mildly creepy… Would you agree or disagree with them?

6. How do you feel about clowns?

7. Have you ever thought about getting a chin implant?

8. (Asked while laughing for no reason) Man, aren’t shrines and voodoo dolls totally awesome!?

9. Michael Jackson is so innocent, don’t you think?

10. So, this may sort of feel like deja vu, but I was wondering if you have ever thought, even for a split second, that you’ve got a little bit of that Tiny Tim-esque creepiness inside of you?

As one friend to another, I honestly hope these questions help all you Netizens get to the bottom of your current “flirty text relationships” to determine if, just maybe, the current object of your affection is, in reality — one of those creepy folk.

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