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  • Paul Davidson

Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Boba Milk Tea

Don’t people who laugh constantly, consistently and with no stopping point in sight make you very very very very very nervous? Me too, but that has nothing to do with today’s “Words For Your Enjoyment.”

For this week’s question, Fabian writes, “Today I bought a Boba Milk Tea for my wife. She loves them. I find them peculiar and somewhat tiresome. Where do you stand on Boba Milk Tea?”

Personally, I don’t find Boba Milk Tea to be “tiresome” but I do find Boba Milk Tea to be freaky. In fact, I feel as though Boba Milk Tea is the perfect drink for Halloween. Why?

Imagine getting up one morning and going to the fridge for a nice big cup o’ milk. You sit down with the paper, hold the glass of milk up to your mouth, start to drink the simple, clean substance and then all of a sudden a group of twenty-two black balls rush into your gullet!!!! Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff that just entered your mouth? Big black bugs? Turds? Rubber bee-bees of some kind?

No, they’re tapioca balls.

Still, the idea of making a milk tea and then dumping a handful of chewy black balls into the bottom, and then giving you a straw so that said referenced chewy black balls have no problem getting sucked up that straw, causing you to have to choke and chew in an attempt to satisfy your thirst — well, it’s a problem. It’s the equivalent of adding a little plastic ziploc baggie of milk in the middle of a loaf of bread. Or like putting one of those huge gummy lizard things in the middle of a turkey. Liquid is meant to be liquid. It is called a “drink” because you drink it.

You should not have to “eat a drink” or “sip a food item.” This is why when you go to eat some kind of food and it oozes liquid, it is not appealing. This is why, when you go to easily swallow a liquid drink and chewy black balls invade your throat — it becomes the freakiest drink on the face of the Earth.

There are people with differing points of opinion. People who LOVE to chew. There are actual people who have said to me, “Paul, I love to chew!” I don’t get it. I guess they’re the same people who buy all that beef jerky, but then again, I don’t hang around with beef jerky chewers so I couldn’t really elaborate on the whole process.

Eating should be eating and drinking should be drinking and that is why Boba Milk Tea is WFME’s nominated drink for this year’s Halloween. It is a scary, freaky, eerie, stupid drink that I will never ever drink again.

P.S. — Don’t ask me about the new bio-engineered Boba Pudding drinks which contain a fruity drinkable pudding filled with balls of tapioca and some kind of creamy whipped substance on top. Any discussion of such a monstrosity will cause me to gag.


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