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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Board Game Ass Kickings

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” goes out to those on the East Coast, currently dealing with or guarding themselves from the chaos being caused by errant weather patterns. (There’s no joke here, just sincerity.)

As for this week’s topic, it comes from BJ who writes: “Pauly, why is it that every game I play with my husband, he kicks my ass? It doesn’t matter if it’s Monopoly, Crazy 8’s, or currently, cribbage. When we start to learn a new game, I lead for the first few hands until he catches on…then it’s ass-kicking after ass-kicking… And nosiree, Pauly…I don’t LIKE it…”

Sadly, BJ, the reality of board/strategy games like Monopoly and cards and chess and checkers and cribbage and backgammon and scrabble — men are inherently better at such games. Women, of course, are better at designing dining rooms and kitchens, nuturing children and cooking really wonderful meals for their strategy game-superior male companions.

KIDDING. SO KIDDING!

Beating your significant other in a game of intellect, skill and luck is easier than you think and although it was one of my ideas to publish a book called “Beat Your Spouse in Monopoly and Much More!” I have decided that since BJ is such an avid reader of WFME that I would provide some of the details from that upcoming book. These tips will help you, BJ, and other unlucky Monopoly players beat their superior opponents without sweating up a storm.

Tip #1: Get a glue stick — rubbing some glue on both wrists before the game. When your opponent isn’t looking, take your wrist and slam it down on one of the two stacks of cards (luxury cards) in the center of the board. Do the same with your other wrist. It will appear as if you were simply taking a look at the cards you already had in your possession, even though they’re affixed to your wrists.

Tip #2: Learn how to make an owl call — then, at a very important point in the game, a point where you may be about to land on their hoteled-Park Place, do your owl call. Using your ability to throw your voice (which you learned in preparation of this game), you will make it appear as if there’s an owl outside the window. “Oh my gosh,” you’ll say. “There’s an owl outside the window and I’m deathly afraid of and allergic to rabid owls!” When your opponent goes to the window to look for the rabid owl, steal some of his/her money from his stack — preferably the 500 dollar bills.

Tip #3: Get loaded dice — these can be procured from any magic shop at your local mall. These dice, when rolled, always come up with doubles. As long as you get to go first, it will always be your turn. How can you lose when it’s always your turn!? You can’t!

Tip #4: Rig your Monopoly board for the earthquake factor — by planting a small tip of explosive putty under each corner of your board, then running wires from those four corners under your chair and to the red button under the table you’ll be able to destroy the board (in a minor explosion) which will erase any record of the game you might be losing. Be aware — the game will be a tie. This should only be used in drastic situations.

Tip #5: Don’t buy a thing — if you don’t buy a thing, you’ll be able to save your money. And if you save your money, you will eventually have all the money. And if you have all the money and your opponent has purchased everything he/she could but needs money when he crosses GO to buy hotels but the bank is bankrupt and you have all the money, then what can he/she do? There’s no more fake Monopoly money left! He’s lost! It’s not your fault that Parker Brothers didn’t include enough money for this scenario — it’s your advantage!

So as you can see, BJ, the reason you’re getting your butt kicked by your opponent is that you haven’t really had the opportunity or advice that could put you in the winner’s circle. But with just a few of the above tips in your corner, never again will you find yourself building up a hotel on Baltic Avenue. You will be in Park Place, baby. Park Place.

(Disclaimer: The above tips are, according to Parker Brothers rules and local & state laws, illegal. Any use of the above tips must be your decision, and the management at WFME does not claim ownership or recommendation of such tips. But if you win lots of money using them in some kind of National Monopoly Competition and you don’t get caught — we want our share.)

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