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Words For <i>Your</i> Enjoyment: Bigfoot

Avid commenter and alias-changer Fabian takes center stage this morning for yet another weekly edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment”!

Fabian asks, “What’s up with Bigfoot?”

Aaah, bigfoot. Most people just want to know things like where they can find Bigfoot so they can hunt him down and kill him and then stuff his head and hang it over their fireplace. Others want to snap photos of the elusive beast and get paid thousands of dollars from the rag-mags. Others want to shoot it with video they can sell to a variety of cable channels. All of them, looking to USE the docile and harmless lost creature in the woods, Bigfoot.

But not WFME reader, Fabian. Instead, he asks the question that most people don’t want to know the answer to. “What’s up with Bigfoot?” What’s he doing these days? What are his hobbies and his hopes and his dreams? What kinds of things does he think about in the quiet hours of the darkened twilight? What makes bigfoot tick? Armed with Fabian’s question and a slew of other ones, I sat down with Bigfoot recently in the Northwest (I have been sworn to secrecy as to where exactly it was) and found out exactly what was up with him.

The first surprise to me, was that bigfoot was not a him. Bigfoot is a her.

Me: Hi. Uh, what can I call you?

Bigfoot: Call me by my name.

Me: Oh, okay. So, bigfoot —

Bigfoot: Not that. My real name. Stephanie.

Me: Your name is Stephanie?

Bigfoot: Your name is Paul?

Me: Well, yeah. But. I’m a human being. I mean… You’ve got all that h- Ok. Stephanie. How are you today, Stephanie?

Bigfoot/Stephanie: Ok. I’ve got a ton of burrs stuck to my back fur. Any chance you could-?

I proceed to pick twenty-two burrs from within Stephanie’s back-hair.

Bigfoot/Stephanie: Thanks. My arms don’t reach that far back and, well, no one else will get close enough to me to help me out.

Me: People have been trying to get close to you for years. But you’re ever elusive. You never let anyone get close enough for a look.

Bigfoot/Stephanie: If you looked like me… If you were a woman, with hair all over your body like this, burrs stuck in your tangled, split-ended hair — would you want people to get close to you? I have intimacy issues, I’m sure you can imagine.

Me: I have a few questions, if that’s ok?

Bigfoot/Stephanie: Anything for the man who picked out my burrs.

Me: My reader, Fabian… He wants to know, “What’s up with you?”

Bigfoot/Setphanie: What’s up with me? What kind of inarticulate question is that?

Me: What do you mean?

Bigfoot/Stephanie: Well, what’s up with me? I mean, that question could mean a thousand things. What’s up with me, like what’s my problem? What’s up with me, like, how am I doing? What’s up with me, like, really, what the heck is up with me? Why couldn’t he have asked, “How am I feeling?” or “Do I like berries?” but instead he throws out something like that? “What’s up with me?” What’s up with THIS!

Bigfoot/Stephanie uses her hairy oversized man-hands to make a rude gesture.

Bigfoot/Stephanie: Did I answer his question?

Me: Well, I guess you did.

Of course, the conversation went on for an additional hour or two, and I also was privy to watching how Bigfoot/Stephanie is able to climb trees and retrieve fruit for her meals. We talked a little bit about the current political scenario and the fact that gas prices are all over the place. She shared with me her favorite TV shows and what her perfect date would be. It was a great conversation that I will post here, sometime in the near future.

But for now, at least we got the answer to Fabian’s WFYE question. And I hope he’s feeling better because of it.

In other news — there was an elaborate Blog Treasure Hunt all ready to go when my browser crashed and sent my awesome treasure map and rhyming hints to the grave. Boo hoo. Another day, I guess.

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