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Why Warm Nuts Will Save The World

It’s surprising to me that the United Nations, in all their conflicts with waring nations and nuclear rebels, they haven’t looked into warm nuts as a possible solution.

Sure, you’ve read the above paragraph over and over a few times and asked yourself very honestly, "I’m not sure I’m buying Pauly’s belief that warm nuts could save the World." Well, pull up a chair and I’ll let you in on a little secret to which I became acquainted yesterday while traveling cross country on a 747 airplane.

Warm nuts are awesome.

Gone are the days of cold almonds, cool peanuts, frigid cashews and chilly walnuts. I find that from this day forward I will probably be scoffing at shivering sunflower seeds and icy bags of trail mix. A cup of warm nuts, heated lovingly over some kind of flame or in a microwave can transform your world forever.

So, if warm nuts can transform your world, whose to say that warm nuts couldn’t transform the entire world?

So, I address you, United Nations — and the leaders of all countries reading this blog today. I address Russia and Iran and North Korea and Syria and Israel and the UK. I address Cuba and Switzerland and Poland and Germany. To all of you (and thanks for reading, by the way) I say, "GIve us your problems and your downtrodden. Give in to the hate and the war and the negative feelings towards democracy and goodwill and open your hands… In fact, cup your hands so that I may pour into them a huge pile of warm nuts. And then, tell me that we all can’t get along."

For when a young black African man and an elderly terrorist from Afghanistan stand side by side with warm nuts in their hands — when hands cannot hold weapons or strike each other in a fit of rage… When nuts are occupying our time (and they’re warm, by the way)… Well…

All will be good.

Warm nuts will save the world. This is my prediction. This is my vision. And if someone high up in the world’s political system agrees with me, well… All our problems will be solved.

On the other hand, if that doesn’t happen — you can find me in my kitchen. Microwaving piles of nuts until the cows come home. Because, if they can’t change the world…the least they can do is change mine.

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