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  • Paul Davidson

Why Peas Suck

Let’s face it — any food that explodes in your mouth when you put pressure on it from all sides with your molars, can’t be all that good.

Sure, there are other “explode-in-your-mouth” foods that also gross me out like certain hard-boiled egg things and caviar and gum with seeping radioactive juice inside of it. But peas? C’mon people. No matter how you cook them, no matter how they’re served, they are the grossest food item on the face of the Earth.

There are, indeed, certain ways you can eat peas (if you want the nutrition) that will help you bypass the exploding-feature of the vegetable. You can often, with Cup o’ Noodle soups, simply swallow the peas without ever chewing them. In some scenarios, you can hide them inside other food items so that their noxious taste never reaches your nose. I often like to pick them out of said food item, place them on the table, then flick them onto the floor or into the garbage where they will never touch my lips.

Pea soup sucks too.

Pea soup is the equivalent of taking the inner-explosive juice of a nuclear bomb, then making a soup out of it. It’s like taking the juice from the inside of ANY food item and making it into a soup. Ick. Like, who would ever take the inside juices of a food item (e.g., chicken, tomatoes, etc) and make them into some kind of hot liquid food item. It’s just sick, that’s what it is.

Finally, people don’t like to eat food items that come in small packages. Think about all the little beady, sphere-like food items and think about how popular they are:

Peas Caviar Rat Turds

Three food items. That’s all there are. And do you know why? Because small little round pellets are not food, they are the things that come out of animals once they have digested food. Caviar is both (a) too expensive to make sense to eat and (b) eggs that come out of a fish’s behind. Rat turds are the same, yet the rich people are “too smart” to try and sell that one to the public. And peas?

They just plain suck.

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