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  • Paul Davidson

Why I Fear Tofu

I am more afraid of tofu than I am of a masked man who shows up at my back door in the middle of the night.

As someone who has recently started the “no-dairy” thing as a way of determining if by not drinking or eating dairy products that the second head protruding from my shoulders would disappear… People all over the place have started to plant the seeds of tofu in my head.

“Tofu is the new pork.”

“Tofu will make you feel and act like someone ten years younger than your actual age!”

“Tofu takes on the flavor of whatever food you mix with it!”

Tofu takes on the flavor of whatever food you mix it with? This is the selling point? If I wanted a steak wouldn’t I just eat a steak instead of mixing tofu with steak to produce a gelatinous cube of tofu that tasted like steak?

I am afraid of Tofu because it jiggles like The Blob, it wiggles like a living breathing animal and because it sucks the life and flavor out of any food it touches. These facts have caused me to officially make the statement that…

Tofu is an evil parasite of the food world.

Tofu does not go down smoothly. It tries to attach itself to your teeth and gums, afraid of sliding down your gullet. Yet everywhere, places are using tofu to create fake food. There are tofu burgers, tofu ice cream, tofu milk and for all I know, tofu pixie sticks and tofu cannolis. It’s literally fake food, people. I mean, what is tofu made of anyway? Soy beans?

Soy beans. Exactly.

You are eating soy beans. Soy beans that have been reconstituted into things like burgers and ice cream and milk-ish products. BEANS. I don’t know. I’m just not feeling the tofu thing. Really, I’m not.

Are you?

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