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  • Paul Davidson

Why ‘Cookies’ Is A Stupid Name For ‘Cookies’

Seriously, someone was asleep on the job the day they named cookies, “cookies.”

Have you ever just sat down, picked a word out of your head and repeated said word over and over and over and over and over again? Eventually the word doesn’t make sense, doesn’t sound right, and causes you to question our word-naming forefathers and their extremely shoddy work.


It’s obvious that the naming of those sugary-sweet circular saucers of goodness came early on in the “let’s name some food” process. It’s obvious that people were sitting around trying to name all the things that they “cooked” and thought to themselves that since these baked-goods were sweet and kids loved them and people ate lots of them, well, why don’t we just add an “ies” to the end of what we do all day long (read: cook) and that will be a wonderful name for these sweet confections.


Personally, I think there are a variety of other objects that are created in kitchens worldwide on a more regular basis than these circular crunky/chocolately items that should have been dubbed cookies. For example, objects that should have been named “cookies” before cookies were named cookies could have been: meatloaf, pancakes, lasagna, toast with butter and jam, sandwiches with peanut butter and jelly, asparagus, and grilled cheese. Yet instead, master-cookers of the world united and dubbed sweet circular items (that hardly anyone took the time to cook back then due to the process it took to make them) the name whichest I have mentioned today.


Oh yes, I am criticizing the naming of America’s favorite snack item without providing helpful or conservative criticism. Well, I put a hex on you for even thinking it. Here are some better, more worthwhile names that cookies should have been called, freeing up the name “cookies” for things that were cooked more regularly thus deserving the “cook” prefix to their name.

Some alternative names for the sweet items:

Rugglers Sweetsters Chiparoos Flatty-Dougheys Spanglers Grundglers Sugarites Sweetums Hot-Off-The-Rackies Softies Sweet-a-stacks Crumblers Eaties

I know what you’re thinking. I can sense it before you even sense it. All of those are better names for cookies than cookies. All of those make more sense. All of those, are trademarked 2004 by WFME.

Cookies? I scoff and chortle at such a silly, non-thought out name. I spit in the face of our forefathers who named cookies, “cookies.”


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