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  • Paul Davidson

When Questions Attack!

They come and they go.

But here, once again, for my own enjoyment (and yours if you’re lucky) are a selection of questions that ask you (dear reader) if you’d go with choice A or choice B. Really, there’s no more instructions provided than that.

Question #1 Choose A or B.

a. Your job duties will suddenly be changed on the fly, requiring you to do the following on a daily basis: eat a loaf of bread at 10AM every day while the rest of the office watches and laughs (you’re the entertainment, of course), wear parachute pants on casual Friday, change those huge water-cooler bottles no matter what you’re doing anytime one is finished, ring a huge dinner bell everytime someone exit and enters the bathroom, and wear an apron.

b. You become famous for being able to eat a loaf of bread in less than 1 minute, 37 seconds, and are able to turn that into appearances on late night talk shows and shows where you can send in your home video — but you lose your job in the process.

Question #2 You know what to do.

a. During your most recent physical, the doctor tells you that he’s come across something very strange. It seems as though your intestines are twisted more than they should be. This will cause your food digestion to be slowed, resulting in some of your softer foods pushing their way through your skin’s pores around the wrist areas. This will mean, that at any given time, ooze may spill forth from your wrists — but only things like pudding, apple sauce and juice smoothies.

b. During your most recent physical, the doctor tells you that he’s come across something very strange. It seems as though you’ve got a colony of sea monkees breeding in your lower abdomen area. They’re not harmful, no. But you’ll have to be prepared that when you go to the bathroom, periodically, live sea monkees will spill forth from your you-know-what. Then, of course, you’ll have to decide — do you flush and kill the sea monkees (saddening their families) or do you leave your toilet intact?

Question #3 That’s right, A or B.

a. Although you’re not allowed to look under your desk (ever), you’ve been informed that there’s a camera that’s been installed down there, that’s fixed on your feet all day long. Pictures and video of your feet are broadcast 24-7 via a secure web server that people pay to subscribe to.

b. Although you’re not allowed to look under your desk (ever), you’ve been informed that there’s two feet down there (that used to belong to someone). You can’t move them, look at them, or adjust them, and if your feet touch those feet, you’re not allowed to kick them outta the way.

Question #4 Yes, there’s more.

a. One of your elderly family members dies (in their sleep, so it was peaceful) and when you sit down to hear the reading of their Will, it comes out that you are the sole beneficiary of their million dollar fortune. The only catch is that you can only keep as much money as you can eat — and the bills are only in denominations of $5 dollar bills.

b. One of your elderly family members dies (in their sleep, yadda yadda yadda) and leaves you their million dollar fortune. The only catch is that you can only keep as much money as you can get your best friend to eat — and the bills are only in denominations of $5 dollar bills.

Question #5 No more rhyming, just pick one.

a. You wake up one day with Tourette’s Syndrome — yet instead of blathering and shouting obscenities all day long, you shout out movie-catch phrases from only Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

b. You wake up one day with Arnold Schwarzenegger in your bed.

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