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  • Paul Davidson

When Brit Happens

Britney Spears is over. Done. Kaput. Finished. Absolutamente fin. The End. (Hand slits throat)

From her ridiculous shotgun marriage to her new engagement to her over-blown personality to her over-bitten nails to her fake giddy smiles to her overdone interviews to her wannabe status. She is completely over and done with.

I don’t know where exactly things turned for me. There were the days when a grown man named ME went out to buy the CD for “Baby, One More Time.” There were the days when the Spice Girls took a backseat to Britney’s dancing and showmanship. There were the days when I would throw down at the mention of Britney not being as musically talented as Christina.

But these days? I have ripped my shirt pocket in homage to The Jazz Singer (as I often do when tarty pop stars let me down just as rabbis who lose their sons to pop music do) in a symbolic gesture that communicates that Britney Spears, as far as I’m concerned, is dead to me.

Some people say there are ways that Britney may be able to stage a comeback, a la Travolta style. That if she finally gets some people who know what they’re doing behind the scenes that she will possibly be able to salvage the career that has been stolen away from her by people like previously mentioned Christina and so-not-sexy Jessica Simpson.

What are the ways for her to finally stage a comeback? I have the three step procedure detailed below:

Stage #1: Dump current boyfriend/fiance. Stage #2: Disappear for two years. Stage #3: Return, invigorated.

Really, it’s an amazing concept. GET OUT OF THE PUBLIC EYE. Do what Johnny Depp did. Move to France or Switzerland or Greenland (you know Greenland is icy while Iceland is green?).

This whole problem that continues to engulf Ms. Spears is an epidemic that must be stopped. But for it to be stopped, Britney must realize that she’s repeating bad habits that will only put her further beneath the surface of civilized society. I once had a conversation with Britney at a bar, in passing, that totally communicated to me that she was well beyond help:

Me: Hey, you’re Britney Spears!

Britney: You mean, Queen Britney Spears.

Me: Were you knighted by the Queen?

Britney: No. I AM a Queen.

Me: Like, through your family lineage?

Britney: What’s lineage?

Me: You know, passed down through generations and bloodlines, if your mom was a Queen well, first you’d be a princess and then when your mother passed down the rule of the kingdom, you’d become Queen.

Britney: So, then I’m a princess.

Me: Okay. You’re a princess.

Britney: Duh, which is what I said in the beginning.

It was at that moment, that yes, my love of the Brit turned to a word that rhymes with Brit but starts with an S and then we replace the r with a H and leave the IT at the end.

She’ll never get me back.

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