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  • Paul Davidson

WFME’s Hopeful Spam

These days, spammers are getting creative. They are no longer sending e-mails with titles like “buy Viagra now!” or “hot monkey love sex XXX.” These days they are using subject lines that intrigue me, until I open them.

But before I open said spam e-mails, there’s that split second where my mind switches into overdrive and places thoughts in my head of what they could possibly be about if not spam. The chasm between reality and fantasy are never the same. For example:

E-mail subject line: When will you start dating again? Initial thoughts: Why my mother has to continually send me these passive-agressive e-mails on a daily basis is anyone’s guess. For god’s sake, mother — why don’t you just pick up the phone and call me or leave an annoying message on my machine. How about that? How about for once in your life, living for yourself and not your kids!? Hm?! The reality: E-mail spam lauding the “hottest chicks are online now” then going off into a tirade about “The Story of Africa” and how “Africa’s top historians take a fresh look at the events and characters that have shaped the continent from the origins of humankind to the end of South African apartheid.” How that has anything to do with the hottest chicks being online, I’ll never know.

E-mail subject line: Give the soft tab a try! Initial thoughts: When I used to buy those Mead Trapper Keepers as a kid I always used to get paper cuts on the edges of those divider pages — the ones with the plastic see-through tabs that you could slide in your subject titles like “Math” “Science” “History”, etcetera. FINALLY someone has come up with the soft tab and they’re offering me a try! Awesome. The reality: Although supposedly about trying a drug called Cialis, the e-mail only says, “If you want to save the new CIA, then you gotta visit us.” I wasn’t aware that the new head of the CIA was looking for help via Internet spam, but I am ready to step up as long as he can tell me what this soft tab thing is all about.

E-mail subject line: Peanut-butter heaven. Initial thoughts: Obviously, someone has culled my e-mail address from the Resee’s Peanut Butter Cup site and is now writing to inform me about new products that are on their way to the stores, even though I didn’t click that check box saying I DID NOT WANT TO BE E-MAILED! The reality: An e-mail from Desiree, an “internationally-beautiful woman” whose coloring, I assume, must be a mix of black or white — why else would she refer to herself as “peanut butter heaven.” Her and her webcam are ready for me, apparently, but what’s more disturbing is not knowing the real reason for her unique nickname.

E-mail subject line: Green pastures await the patient. Initial thoughts: My weekly horoscope has arrived — this week with a very ambiguous Confucius-style subject line. It’s obviously some kind of a fortune cookie telling me that if I can just be patient, then a wonderful future is mine! More information inside, I’m sure of it. The reality: An e-mail all about purchasing Viagra. Apparently, the “patient” (as in medical patient) will find greener pastures (more women to “bed”) if they purchase and take the medicine which will get them such results.

E-mail subject line: Paulseth, you are a cut above the rest! Initial thoughts: Oh, gee. Another fan. The reality: Fat-burning pills that give your muscles that “cut” look.

The reality is never as exciting, dramatic or entertaining as these interesting subject-lines pretend to be. Just once, I would like to receive some of the following subject lines and have them mean what I think they mean:

A monkey in the hand… And baby makes three! I know what you did last summer. You are a winner! Be sure, be ready, be pretty. Do you remember me? Let’s get to the heart of the matter… Hey buddy, long time! See what you were meant to see. Cotton candy rulez! Kissing bandit strikes again. end transmission now The eagle has landed. I’m waiting for you. Your credit-card information is invalid! Tripping the light fantastic. Uber-super fantastic party time! Yes, you know it and so do I. Russian tea parties, free!

Oh, in a perfect world, things would be as they appear on the surface. But here, in OUR world, they don’t.

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