We’ve All Stolen Gum

Whenever you sit down with someone and open up your heart and share your feelings, the conversation usually (at least with me) ends up dealing with the question, “Have you ever done anything illegal?” And nine times out of ten, most people have at one point or another in their lives — stolen a pack of gum.

Why is it that stealing gum is the most common thievery in the United States of America?

It’s true. If you look at the most common crimes…murder, assault, kidnapping, grand theft auto, armed robbery and stealing gum… Stealing gum is the one crime that occurs more often than any of the others. Stealing gum is perpitrated by more “innocent citizens” who have never been thrown in the slammer than any other group of malcontents. Stealing gum is the real problem, people.

Yet for some strange reason (insert conspiracy theory here) no one is talking about it. Not one Presidential Candidate or local wannabe Governor has ever stepped up to the platform and addressed the one crime that hits us close to home. Statistics don’t lie, people. Over 1 million packs of gum are stolen from local supermarkets, mini-marts, 7 Elevens and Target stores per day.

PER DAY.

That’s over 4 million dollars of gum losses on a daily basis. And yet, no one is complaining. Why? What is the reason behind the turned backs? Why aren’t companies like Wrigley and Trident and Orbitz complaining? What’s the deal? Is there something more sinister at work here?

Perhaps, and I only say “perhaps”, could the government be pumping gum full of chemicals that weaken our ability to reason? That cause us to vote for whoever they want us to vote for? Which lulls us all into a constant sleep-pattern as we sleepwalk throughout our lives? Is all this stolen gum really what they want? Their final goal for the future of human beings?

If it isn’t, then why the hell isn’t anyone talking about all the stolen gum?

When I was a kid, me and my friends stole gum. We had a great little one act play we used to call Where’s Mom And Does She Know We Want This Gum?. It went a little something like this:

Me: Where’s Mom?

Friend: Don’t know.

I pick up a pack of gum, holding it up to my brother (friend).

Me: She said we could get gum.

Friend: Yes, she did.

Me: Did she walk outside?

Friend: I think so. We’d better go bring her this gum and ask her if we can have it.

We walk outside, with gum in hand, and never come back.

Really, it was Academy Award winning drama that resulted in (a) successfully stealing a pack of gum, (b) telling my parents about said successful crime, and (c) getting forced to go back to said store, return gum, apologize, and become grounded for a month.

Still, I can’t help but wonder how many kids these days (and adults) are out there stealing gum without anyone saying a thing about it. Gum, people. It’s flying off the shelves and people are losing money but no one is saying one damn thing about it.

Pretty suspicious, if you ask me.