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  • Paul Davidson

Under the Breath Crosswalk Talking

You’ve seen it happen as many times as I have.

You’re behind a car that’s about to turn right from the street you’re currently on. They pull up to just about the edge of the crosswalk and inch forward, getting ready to make that right turn. But they inch up a little too far, going a quarter of the way into the crosswalk just as someone emerges from the sidewalk to cross the street.

The fact that this other car has inched into their walkway, causing them to walk AROUND the front of this car causes them great distress and often causes them to do something that I find to be extremely funny. I call it the “under the breath crosswalk talking.”

People in our society very rarey speak up and make their feelings known. People are inherently afraid to do so. No one wants to get stuck in the middle of some road rage fight and in Los Angeles about every third person has a gun or some kind of electrical weapon that could send you to the concrete flailing. So, what do people do instead? The passive agressive way of fighting back?

under the breath crosswalk talking

The art of “under the breath crosswalk talking” requires skill and subtle facial expressions. It can be broken down into the following elements:

Pausing at the edge of the crosswalk.

Taking a step into the crosswalk, but crooking ones head at the offending vehicle as you have to walk around said vehicle.

As you cross the emblem on the hood of the vehicle, crooking your head from the left to the center as to catch the eyes of the driver.

Then, before the eyes lock, look down and say something offensive under the breath. (Note: Really what you say doesn’t have to be offensive…just looking down and saying something under your breath can appear to be offensive. This is a safety measure. If the person in the vehicle decides to fight you, you can tell them that all you said was, “I was reminding myself to pick up milk, that’s all.”

Continue past the car, looking back and crooking your head upwards and to the left as you pass the other side of the car.

Reach the other side of the street and when you’re sure the car is finally turning right, be sure to flip off said car as long as said car can’t see you flipping them off.

Good job. You’ve accomplished your goal here today.

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