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  • Paul Davidson

Two Hundred Fifty Thousand Dollars

$250,000.

After much discussion with a huge variety of friends, co-workers, family and people who I would prefer were strangers to me, I have determined that people will, for the most part, not do anything really gross for less than two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

An example:

I was recently cleaning out the dirt from around my laptop’s keyboard and was using a bottle of compressed air. It says plainly on the bottom of the bottle under the phrase “Warning”, that you should not inhale the compressed air. That by doing so, you will experience immediate death or fall into a coma. So, I proceeded to find out how much money any of my co-workers would require in order to let me shoot the compressed air into their mouth for two full seconds.

$250,000.

Mind you, their throats could be closed — leaving only their teeth and gums to be at risk of falling into a coma. But as we all know, teeth and gums are always being pushed into comas and numbed-goodness at the dentist, so what’s the big deal?

$250,000.

There was a friend who had joined a bunch of my other friends in an attempt to completely drink an entire Party Ball (half a keg, in a plastic orb) in less than 30 minutes. Halfway through, after they had cut out the top in order to be able to dip their cups in to expedite the process, someone regurged back into the party ball. I wondered, as people reeled back in horror, just how much it would take for someone to continue drinking…

$250,000.

Sticking ones’ hand into an electrical socket while standing in one of those kiddie pool things. Eating your dog’s warm you-know-what (FCC, again) after he/she relieved themselves on your lawn. Watching ones’ parents do the “deed”. Jumping out of a second story window into an office park’s huge 3-foot deep water fountain. Attempting to rob a bank, but admitting to it being all a joke after the money has been handed over. Streaking at either the Oscars, Emmys or Tony Awards. Being caught on television with your pants down (with your new friend George Michael) at a local Beverly Hills, California park.

$250,000.

You can say you’d do these things and many others for less, but when the real discussion occurs, you’ll start hovering somewhere around $150,000, then realize that when I actually have $150,000 to offer you, that deep down, what you really want is-

$250,000.

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