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  • Paul Davidson

Trifecta of Questions

All good things come in threes. There’s the Star Wars movies (minus Jedi which sucked because of the furry Ewoks)… Hmm. Ok, that doesn’t count… But there’s the three seasons of Futurama currently on DVD…although technically there are more than just three seasons, so…scratch that. Well, I just ate three Oreos! Phew. Point well made.

And here we are, with the third edition of what I like to call the I Aska You Questions and You Answer Them Backa! Question Game. And although I’d love to say it’s self-explanatory and suggest that anyone with a high school diploma or G.E.D. will fare just fine; I have learned a valuable lesson from one of my opinionated readers. Never talk about educational degrees because you never know what educational degrees the educated people reading your blog happen to have acquired.

The following information is Rated T for Teen.

Question #1 You must choose one of the following to happen to you.

a. A third and fourth nipple will appear on your back, in the same places they are on your front-side. However, these nipples will lactate grape juice at random intervals throughout the day. This will, of course, cause weird grape juice stains on the back of any clothing you are wearing; and you can’t do anything to stop it.

b. No matter how often people get annoyed at you, you must use the phrase “grape juice” in absolutely every conversation, including funeral speeches, job interviews and when you’re being inaugurated as President of the United States.

Question #2 You must choose to do one of the following actions.

a. Wear a hat affixed with huge dildos of varying shapes and sizes to Thanksgiving Dinner 2004.

b. Sneak a huge 12 inch dildo with a picture of your smiling face on it, into your family’s Thanksgiving turkey.

Question #3 Choose one of the following.

a. Every time friends come over to your house you must all sit down and watch a 30 minute tape of your parents having sex.

b. Every time your parents come over to your house you must all sit down and watch a 30 minute tape of your friends having sex.

Question #4 You know the drill.

a. Everyday you go into work you will bring a non-English speaking Dwarf (who comes from Italy) with you. The non-English speaking dwarf must accompany you to every meeting, lunch and conversation you have from 9 to 5 (or whatever hours you work each day). You may never explain who he/she is or why they’re there. Ever.

b. You must live out the rest of your life working for dwarves who don’t speak English and who force you to come with them wherever they go. (This includes dwarf-throwing parties.)

Question #5 Which one do you prefer? (Assume you’re not married if you already are.)

a. You must marry a spouse who has a dead raccoon carcass in their stomach, which they cannot have surgically removed, and which hangs low in their stomach. Periodically, their breath smells like dead raccoon carcass.

b. You must marry a spouse who has a pet raccoon (who happens to hate you) and waits for your spouse to fall asleep before he/she begins to taunt you, gnawing on your toes when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. Whatever you do, you can’t stop that damn raccoon from harassing you.

En garde!

In other news — tomorrow is Friday which means there’s another “Words For Your Enjoyment” up for grabs. For those who aren’t familiar with the Friday ritual… Feel free to shoot me an e-mail before midnight tonight (Thursday) with a column suggestion for Friday. If I use it, I’ll stick up a link to your blog as a way of thanking you for alleviating my swelling brain (which sometimes hurts from thinking up ridiculous things to write about).

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