Top 3 “I Did Not Cry” Moments

I am a full-blooded man. I do not cry. You need to accept that immediately and fully. I will never admit that I have and you do not have any evidence that it has ever occurred.

Good? Good.

Now let’s get to my Top 3 “I Did Not Cry” Moments. These are moments where there was no crying going on whatsoever, and contrary to popular belief I am here to prove it.

Moment #1 Watching The Color Purple

When Whoopi Goldberg’s character (whose two babies were taken away from her at birth) runs through a huge field towards the two adult versions of her children she has never met. As she runs, she starts uncontrollably screaming for them in incoherent babble… That babble communicates her pain and joy and she embraces them tightly.

Actual Emotional Response Instead of Crying: Having gone to eat my last handful of popcorn, the speed in which I tried to shove it in my mouth caused a kernel to flip up and lodge itself in my left eye. Immediately, I brought up a napkin to my ocular nerve, attempting to get it out quickly. It was a quick bit of ER/optimologist surgery, all done with the lights off and the rest of the crowd blubbering. Needless to say, the salt caused my eyes to look red after the lights came up. But it was all due to my blazingly-fast, extremely impressive out-patient (in a theater) surgery.

Moment #2 Watching 50 First Dates

Drew Barrymore’s character (who wakes up each day not remembering the previous day) wakes up to a daily tape put together by Sandler, letting her know about her whole life leading up to the present day in question. She walks out of the bedroom where she has just watched this tape telling her she had an accident years ago, wakes up each day with no memory and is now married to Sandler — but when she walks out of the room she realizes she’s atop a floating boat. And there is Sandler and a little girl who shouts “Mommy!” and you realize their life has been going on for sometime now.

Actual Emotional Response Instead of Crying: At the moment this scene was playing out on the movie screen, someone who had just come back from the lavatory moved past me to get to their seat. They stepped on BOTH my feet, causing my eyes to well up with painful moisture.

Moment #3 Watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

When Cameron kicks the crap out of his father’s Ferrari, sending it crashing to the ground below.

Actual Emotional Response Instead of Crying: Okay, so I cried. That was one beautiful car.