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Today’s Thoughts on Rubberbands as the New Bullet

I don’t know about you, but when someone comes right up to me with a rubberband cocked and ready, tied around their forefinger and thumb — I reel back out of reflex, cover my face in fear and squint my eyes in terror. I am deathly afraid of getting hit by a rubberband.

Guns and bullets on the other hand…I think I could deal. I mean, how often do you see people get shot on TV, in the movies and right next door to you out on the street. Sure, there’s some wincing going on and a little bloodshed, but really let’s be honest with each other — getting shot by a bullet is far less of a reason to do something illegal than getting hit in the eye by a stinging, flinging rubber band. (And don’t even get me started on those thick mother, huge-ass taffy rubberbands. You know what I’m talking about and I know you are scared just thinking about it.)

Some of you think I’m kidding. I know you are. Some of you are writing it all off as sarcasm. Satire. Sure, but think about it seriously for a second. No one in this world is really afraid of getting shot anymore. I mean, there’s medicine and doctors and very few people die these days from a bullet in the leg or the shoulder. Stray bullets, piercing bullets, etc. Mosquito bites are equivalent to a gun shot.

But getting SNAPPED in the face or the eye or the back of the neck with a rubberband? More painful than one could ever imagine. “These things SMART!”

With all the city police having to cut officers due to budgetary issues, I think this could possibly be the solution. Get rid of the guns, and equip each office with a huge, manufactured for law enforcement only, mother of all rubberbands. Training would be necessary, but we wouldn’t need anything substantial. No delivery devices (a la handguns). Cops could just wrap that huge-ass rubberband around their pointer finger and their thumb, and wield it out in the field.

Trust me, this could really work.

Before long, you’d have Joel Silver and every other huge action-film Producer starting to replace the drug cartels’ and drug dealers’ and mob bosses’ automatic weapons with huge, foreign-funded rubberband weapons. Maaaaan. How cool would that be?

Then, of course, about five years later most of the hoodlums in the country who used to be afraid of rubberbands snapping on their bare skin would be desensitized to it no thanks to the Media, and then we’d eventually just have to find something else that could scare people from getting involved in crime.

At that point, I’m thinking the best way to go would be armor-piercing bullets. Those scare me almost as much as rubberbands.

In the meantime, however, we’d have a window of about five years of rubberband law enforcement, which in my mind, could be really damn cool. And way less loud for those people, livin’ in the shit.

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