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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Thoughts on Q-Tips

I’d like to spend this morning talking about Q-Tips.

I once knew this really crazy girl who was, well, really crazy. She told me about the time she was head over heels in love with this guy. How after only two months she was already feeling love towards him. How one morning, after spending the night at his house, she walked into the bathroom and needed to clean out her ears. She rummaged through the drawers and found his Q-Tips. But they weren’t the brand-name Q-Tips. They were generic.

At that moment, her future with this guy splashed over her. The generic food items, the cheap clothing, the plastic covered furniture. Two and a half kids, a dog and a cat and a really-cheesy looking trailer that they would live in.

She broke up with him the next day.

I find Q-Tips to be an extremely dangerous cleaning tool. Even with their somewhat helpful instructions that happen to read:

If used to clean ears, stroke swab gently around the outer surface of the ear, without entering the ear canal.

First of all, I have no idea what other body part I would be using Q-Tips to clean. Between my toes? Under my fingernails? No and no (they wouldn’t fit)! My eyes? The nape of my neck? My under arms? No, no and no. I think we can safely say that the only place we can possibly use a Q-Tip is in our ears.

But that brings forth a connundrum. According to my box of Q-Tips, we’re not supposed to even let them enter the ear canal. So what the hell are we cleaning? I don’t have wax build-up on the outside of my ear. I have it (very infrequently, if you must know) on the inside of my ear. But how far to stick it in? Do I rotate it? What is the process? Where are my real step-by-step instructions?

Sense Memory #245: I once stuck a Q-Tip in my ear canal and I could have sworn it caused me to think up a really original idea.

I’m just a little upset that someone out there has made millions on a small cardboard stick with round mounds of cotton atop each side, that we’re not allowed to stick in our ear canal. Seriously, that guy and Andy Gump (maker of mainstream Porty Pottys) are probably sitting on some island that they own, laughing heartily about how they pulled one over on the American public.

Seriously, folks. If we’re not allowed to stick Q-Tips in our ear canals…well, then what are we supposed to do with them?

Q-Tip Creativity Fact #98: I have made log cabins out of a Costco-sized box of cotton Q-Tips.

If you know how to use them, please tell me. Because, until then — I’m no longer going to use them to wimpily rub the outer edge of my ear for no reason. I’m going to live on the wild side. I’m going to use my finger.

And that’s free, too.

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