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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Thoughts on Door-Handle Tissue Holding Crazies

I once worked in this office building.

Yes, I know — let’s get past that startling revelation for the moment. Yes, there was a point in my life where I actually drove to a parking garage, got out of my car, took an elevator to a certain floor in a tall building, walked down the hallway, entered an office area, sat down at a desk, and you know — worked.

In addition to the usual strangeness and random goings on that take place in said office building, there was an even stranger situation going on near the lavatories. Every time I would enter the bathroom, I would find a crumpled up piece of toilet paper right there at the foot of the door.

Curious, I thought.

There were many reasons for this, I suppose. There could have been someone who washed their hands but refused to use the rough-as-sandpaper hand towelettes that hang from the wall dispenser. Such people could possibly go back into the stall, pick up a handful of soft-goodness and wipe there hands right back at the door. But then, why wouldn’t they throw it away?

There was also the potential situation that the garbage was overflowing or the maintenance personnel were cleaning the bathroom and had taken the plastic garbage bag out of the garbage, thus leaving someone holding dirty toilet paper and having no place in which to dispose of said dirty toilet paper — they just tossed it on the ground in disgust.

There are 6,522 other potential reasons for such a situation. But in reality, in that office building, there was only one.

It was the door-handle tissue holding crazy. (Crazy, referring to a person.)

I don’t know about you, but if you’re so worried about germs that you go around with a pocket filled with tissues and use one to open a door (drop it on the floor), close a door (drop another tissue on the floor), touch a bathroom stall door (and drop it on the floor), use the water fountain (and drop it on the floor) and so on and so on and so on… Well, we’ve all got bigger problems with you than simply the fact that you’re dropping relatively clean tissues everywhere you go.

On the bright side, you’ll never go missing — all we’d have to do to find you is follow your Hansel & Gretel tissue droppings.

On the not so bright side, I would like to express my thoughts about this certain subject matter by doing so in the classic 1920’s style of a telegram. Thank you in advance for you enthusiasm for this:

Door Handle Tissue Dropping Crazies. STOP.

Must end their pain. STOP.

Hypoallergenic, cleanable tissue-covered door handles. STOP.

Invention of the millenium. STOP.


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