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Today’s Thoughts on ‘Dead Arm Snooze Alarm Syndrome’

First important detail: I sleep with my hands underneath my pillow. That’s right — both arms, in the cool area underneath my pillow, with my head on top — putting huge pressure on said arms all night long (remember, I have a huge head).

Second important detail: When my alarm goes off in the morning (which is perched on my bedside table), I must hit the button on top of the clock in order for the insane buzzing sound to turn off. (Yes, I know I can go with the radio, but I usually sleep through it.)

Third important detail: Usually, when I’ve slept on my arms all night long (with the massive huge head pressure contributing to it), when the alarm goes off — both of my arms are dead asleep.

Fourth important detail: When I say “dead asleep” I mean that I cannot lift either arm. I cannot move them to save my life. They are dead. In fact, I cannot even feel them.

Fifth important detail: The deafening sound of the buzzing alarm scares the crap out of me. I want that buzzer to be turned off immediately.

Sixth important detail: If you cannot feel your arms, you must find an alternative way to hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock.

Seventh important detail: Flailing your body around like a fish out of water, usually (but not always) can cause your body to fall from the height of your king-size bed, onto the floor, usually causing both “dead arms” to land in a different position than which they were throughout the night.

Eighth important detail: Although you may hit your head on the edge of the bed or hurt your ribs by falling 4 feet from your bed onto the cold, carpeted floor — the startling experience will usually shock both “dead arms” awake from their slumber and eventually permit you to reach up and turn off the alarm.

Ninth important detail: After doing so, the whole experience will most likely cause your entire body to be sore for the next day or so — especially your head, which you hit on the box spring on your way down to the floor below.

Final, and tenth important detail: You will feel like an idiot.

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