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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Prognosis on Ridiculous Break-ups

There are people out there, right this minute, breaking up with their boyfriends/girlfriends and significant others.

And the reasons they’re giving are, well how should I put this…insane.

I once knew a girl who sat down with me and told me about the two times she broke up with guys who she was digging-on. There was the time she was desperately in love with a guy with whom she’d been hanging out with for five months. One day, they decided to go to Magic Mountain (a Los Angeles based Six Flags Amusement Park). A few hours into their visit, they approached a roller coaster. Well, he wanted to ride it but she didn’t. And so, she decided she’d watch him from the sidelines as he rode the metal monster.

There she sat, watching the roller coaster rise up and down, thinking about how in love she was with this guy — the roller coaster went up and down, and as it flipped upside down she looked up and caught a glimpse of her boyfriend. There he was, hanging upside down, hair sticking out in all directions. It was about the time she thought to herself:

“Ugh. He’s not really even that good looking at all.”

She broke up with him the next day.

There was the time she spent the night (for the first time) at her new boyfriend’s apartment. In the morning, as she was using his bathroom, she opened the medicine cabinet. There, in plain view, was a box of “Generic Q-Tips.” In one quick flash, she envisioned her whole life with him — generic products, cheap furniture, a life of being tight with the dollar.

She broke up with him the next day.

Yes, she was insane. Yes, her reasons were ludicrous. But, the reality of it all is that people are breaking up with their boyfriends and girlfriends and wives and husbands and partners for reasons like these and others (culled from stories I have heard), which include:

Having man hands. Smacking their gum. Being over-emotional. Smelling like beef jerky. Not being able to sing Karaoke. Sleep talking. Having flourescent colored nails. Liking the 80’s band, “The Outfield.” Believing Michael Jackson is innocent. Skipping. Looking too much like ones’ siblings. Watching nothing but cartoons. Sleeping in a sleeping bag. Having a weird laugh. Dancing strangely. Loving to use the phrase “fair to Midland” repeatedly. Hard-boiled egg eater.

Yes, there are more. I’m sure all of you could pony up a few. But in the end, doesn’t it all just go to show you that people don’t break up with other people because of the above reasons, but they do it simply because, well, these people they’re dating…quite simply bore them.

If people were really honest, wouldn’t they just say that?

I think so.

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