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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Prognosis On People Who Pretend To Wash Their Hands After Going to the Public Bathroom

Some people will go to great lengths to not be sanitary.

Keep in mind, I am not one of those crazy multiple hand-washer people. I do not store hundreds of bars of soap in my bathroom closet nor do I wash my hands after shaking someone’s hand nor do I use a paper towel to grip the inside handle of a public bathroom’s door in order to escape. I have previously debated what to say to a cougher/sneezer — but that was about it.

Recently, I found myself in a public bathroom stall sharing a public restroom with some other stranger. When the stranger exited his stall and moved to the sink — I felt a compulsion to watch the events unfold.

This person walked up to the sink, turned on the water for about six seconds, turned it off, then walked to the paper towels and pulled out a few pieces, crumpled them together to make some noise, threw them out in the garbage can and exited.

I couldn’t help but wonder — What’s up with this person to spend the same amount of time it would take to really wash their hands, just to pretend to wash their hands so the other person [me] in the stall would think they washed their hands?

As days passed, I thought about this concept more and more. Was it that this person just didn’t want to get their hands wet? (Even though touching the sink to turn it on would probably do that?) Was this person more concerned with having other people THINK he was being sanitary than actually doing it himself? Did he have some kind of disease that forced him to not let public bathroom liquid soap touch his skin but didn’t want to walk around with a “doesn’t-wash-his-hands” stigma?


Or maybe people are so concerned with just doing what people think they’re supposed to do that it takes precedence over the actual act itself?

I believe we have an epidemic of truly huge proportions currently going on in the public bathrooms of society. An epidemic that forces men to “pretend to wash their hands” over “actually washing their hands” so people think they “really do wash their hands” for some class-system reputation thingie that I’m currently unaware of existing.

What’s going on here?

I can only tell you that as of the posting of this column, I am 65.89999% sure that this continued practice of pretending to wash your hands so others think you’re really washing your hands so nobody thinks you’re a gross unsanitary fool will continue on and on and on and on.

Prognosis is good.

In other news, the third episode of The Benefactor aired last night. In it, Mark Cuban got rid of an additional four players, bringing the total down to six. Will it get better? Will you get to know the characters more? Will the rules start to make sense? Yes, yes and probably not.

In next week’s episode, Pauly D one ups his recent “side-of-his-head cameo from Episode 1” with a vocal cameo during a basketball game of Horse. Listen closely as the players make their way onto the darkened court to hear my golden throat!

Oh, the excitement.

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