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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Prognosis on Peanut Eaters

Maybe it’s just me…but they give me the willies.

They walk around always shaking their fists, not because they’re getting ready to rumble, but because they’re always re-adjusting the peanuts in their hand. You know, so at any given time they can open up the hole at the end of their fist and be ready (once again) to dispense another serving into their open mouth.

Their hands are always covered in peanut shells and salt. Their pants have little wipe stains on them where they’ve wiped off their hands. You’d think they’d smell like peanuts, but instead they smell like old people shawls and crutch armpit-handles.

These people. These peanut-eaters. Prognosis is not good.

Eat almonds? Fine. Walnuts? Sure. Sunflower seeds? OK. Cashews? Have more. Pistachios? Good man. But peanuts? Peanuts are the most common, most pedestrian, most over-eaten nut on the face of the Earth.

But are they, really?

When you think of eating nuts, do you really think about eating peanuts? When you think of getting some good protein that you can carry in your hand, do peanuts enter your mind? Peanuts only have one main reason to exist and that one main reason is peanut butter. And personally, if you’re a nut and your only main source of activity happens to be getting grinded down into a paste and mixed with oil and sugar and then sold in jars — that’s not the nut I wanna be carrying around in my fist.

If I were to present you with two people. The first is a professional, dressed nicely, carrying around a cell phone and a nice shiny pair of shoes… And the second person was wearing a lumberjack plaid number with worker boots and mussed up hair… Who is the peanut eater?

If I were to present you with two more people… The first one is a school teacher, wearing a skirt and carrying a book bag… And the second one was a teenager with a skateboard and a pair of earphones connected to his MP3 player… Who is the peanut eater?

If I were to present you with two more people… The first one being a piano teacher who plays tennis on the weekends with her boyfriend… And the second one being an elderly person who used to work at the DMV and loves to fish… Who is the peanut eater?

There’s really no reason to go any further. There’s really no reason to answer the above questions. There’s really no reason to play this out. Because when push comes to shove… When the straw breakst he camel’s back… When the lightbulb and the kitten reach DEFCON 2… Well, we all know what it is about peanut eaters that make us cringe every time we share a couch cushion with them while watching a football game.

Peanut eaters are a part of a different, less appealing societal culture.

With those things in mind (which includes the smelly/shaking fist, pant-leg stains, and peanut-like odors), I think I can confidently say that peanut eaters are on the outs. They are a dying breed. And don’t even get me started on the ones who actually find the need (like the old hunter gatherers of days gone by) to get peanuts in shells and crack away…

Your days are numbered, peanut eater. Prepare for the worst.

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