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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Prognosis on Couch Forts

Couch forts are way under-utilized in today’s society.

Easy to construct using parts already available in most households, the couch fort is something today’s military planners should be looking to in fighting wars on multiple stages. A platoon of soldiers without a fort who can build a fort using the living room furniture of their enemies — well, they’re a platoon of soldiers I’d want to hang out with whether or not mortar shells can destroy a couch fort quicker than a normal fort.

This is a moot point.

Developed and marketed to the American public in the 1940’s, the couch fort was invented by New Jersey furniture salesman, Henry Tomkins, Jr.. The son of Henry Tomkins, Sr. (also the owner and founder of Kipabee’s Furniture Wholesaler), Tomkins, Jr. found himself in quite a pickle around the late 1930’s when people’s spending habits were almost non-existent for fear of another coming Depression.

What did Tomkins, Jr. do? He came up with the idea of making couches and other household furniture into a dual use purchase. Not only could adults buy furniture for their sitting rooms, great rooms and family rooms — but the adolescents of the family could use said furniture for couch forts.

Today, the couch fort can be found in just about any household that has children under the age of 16. But what’s even more astounding is the fact that children never require any instruction as to how one constructs a couch fort. It is an instinctual knowledge that I believe all human beings are born with. Besides breathing, fear instincts and the ability to care for other humans — all of us are born with the inherent knowledge of how to build a couch fort.

So what does that say about the future of the couch fort?

Lately, we here at WFME are a little concerned that the couch fort has fallen to the wayside and been replaced by things like “video games” and “cheese.” Children are more intrigued by the flashing epileptic seizure-esque images on their television screens and huge blocks of cheese…instead of fashioning a huge defense station out of cushy couch cushions. Today, children would rather jack cars and make grilled-cheese sandwiches instead of hiding from their fellow family members in a dark, musty, cat-hair covered secret lair. Today, children of the world would rather play their Nintendo DSes and digest palatable gouda instead of protecting themselves from the evil aliens of the universe while hidden deep inside a Pottery Barn barracade.

The sadness envelops my soul.

In order for couch forts to regain their popularity in today’s society, we need your help. As adults over the age of 16, your goal should be to form couch forts anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Having a meeting in your company’s conference room today? Is there a couch? Arrive early and create a couch fort and hide inside. Then, when the meeting starts, only talk from within your secret lair. Refuse to exit it until the entire meeting has been completed!

Sitting in a doctor’s office? Does the waiting room have a couch? Couch fort it is! Going to Bible Study at someone’s house later this week? Turn their couch into a regular worship-station, allowing fellow pals to enter only after reciting the secret phrase (your choice)!

Above all, build it build it build it.

Because, as the famous whispery voice once said — If you build a couch fort, they will come inside and thank you for building the couch fort because couch forts are so damn cool. You know?

I think you do.

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