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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Prognosis on Caps-Lock

Really, people — is this world filled with millions of lazy folks?

If you’re typing a message or an e-mail or a letter or a document or your dissertation and you come across a word or a sentence you’d like to capitalize for dramatic purposes — do you really need a CAPS LOCK?

I mean, is it really that problematic to hold down the shift key and type “THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPED OVER THE LAZY DOG”? (I just did it there, without the crutch-like help of a CAPS LOCK key and it seemed to work fine for me.)

The problem is that society caters to the lazy. Those who refuse to get out of their car to get food, those who refuse to get up and change the channel themselves, those who refuse to get a VHS tape and stick it in a VCR and figure out how to get to the setup menu of the VCR and then set the timezone and the channel and look up the VCR code and enter that in while listening in the background to see what channel the VCR is set on, and then finally hold down the REC and PLAY buttons all at once so the show can get recorded.

CAPS LOCK falls into this category of lazy folk.

Just to flex my left hand’s pinky muscles, I often just use the SHIFT key. I will test myself by writing entire e-mails and IM conversations with that pinky holding down said SHIFT key. I will do it and in doing so have proven to myself that my left hand’s pinky finger muscles are strong enough to hold down said SHIFT key while I type the rest of my sentence. I do not need the CAPS LOCK key.

And neither do you.

Sure, it’s a cool keyboard key because it has that neat little light that lights up when you press it. Sure, it’s got a very secure sound to it (just say CAPS LOCK) — it sort of makes me think of COPS LOCK which is just part of a bigger sentence like “The cops locked me up, momma — now what am I gonna do?” Sometimes it makes me think of COP ROCK which was just some failed Stephen Bochco TV show, and then that makes me sad.

I mean, why does the American public have to stick their noses up at cop dramas that just happen to have singing and dancing in them? Seriously. That sucks.

I can also re-arrange the letters in the word CAPS LOCK to spell SPACKLO-C — which is a new kind of spackle that I’m currently inventing that can be used from a spray can. It’s a spray-can version of spackle and the C stands for “Cream” because it’s a cream in the can that once sprayed, turns into a spackle.

But all these things, of course, pale in comparison to the fact that this world really doesn’t need a CAPS LOCK on our keyboards. For, if we allow such laziness to continue, the computer makers will follow up such lazy keyboard keys as CAPS LOCK with things like TURN OFF, CHECK E-MAIL, USE MOUSE, WHAT TIME IS IT, FAST DELETE, and TRIPLE SHIFT — which will allow really lazy computer users to turn shift on for a limited time, then back off, then back on again.

I think the answer to this prognosis question is not-so-good. I think CAPS LOCK has seen its day come and go.

I think I’m going to go lowercase from now on.


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