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Today’s Prognosis On Body Odor

People, you really need to take a shower.

Between all of us, we have had those moments we don’t want to remember. We are walking through a department store or down the aisle of a local pharmacy or in a movie theater or at The Gap. And someone walks by you and there’s that unmistakeable odor.

Someone has really bad BO.

There are people who have BO and the BO simply wafts with them as they walk along their merry way. This is the first and most innocent stage of BO, where once they have left your current airspace, the odor is gone. A split second of hell, and then it’s over.

Then there is the second stage of horrible BO where there’s no one even near you and you can smell it. I mean, someone has got to be smearing old rotten guacamole in their underarms and not shower for twelve weeks for this to be the case. It is worse than rotten onions and as a result I have coined a new phrase to refer to body odor that has no likely match in the entire Universe…

I call it… B-Onion.

I always half wonder if the people with B-Onion can smell it themselves? I mean, when I have gone a full day of playing professional sports and then saving people from the jaws of death, I sweat. I am human, people, I DO sweat. And at the end of a crazy day when sweating has occurred, I am able to detect a very low grade BO. I shower and it’s gone. Simple. Easy.

But people who have high grade B-Onion? Don’t you think they can smell themselves, let alone, not have the stomach or mental capacity to handle living with the odor that close to their nose? Or does it get so bad that they don’t detect it after awhile? I’m really not sure. I really don’t know.

I know. There are people who can’t, medically, use deoderant.

I had a friend years ago who hovered somewhere between low grade BO and high grade B-Onion, and all of this person’s friends refused to say anything about it. Sure, they’d talk about it when this person was out of the room and hold their nose behind their back, but they would never say a word. I thought it was ridiculous to not say anything to them (then again, I’m the guy who points out food in your teeth at dinner, so what can I say), so I said something. This person was overjoyed (and apparently unaware of the problem) at me bringing it up and expressed to me that they couldn’t use deoderant because it gave them a rash or something.

There are other ways of handling it, however.

There are special rocks that you can rub under your arms that are minerals that take away the body’s ability to be smelly in those areas, and before long — this person began using it and the problem was gone. I was 1 for 1 in my battle against B-Onion.

Problem is, my current prognosis on body odor in this country is not good. I can’t count on my left hand the amount of times I come in contact with B-Onion over the course of a day in the life. It’s possible that the reason is I live in Los Angeles, but I’m sure it’s just as big of a problem elsewhere.

B-Onion must be stopped. It’s up to us to join the fight. I’ll have some kind of petition up soon because well, isn’t that what people do on the Internet? Start up petitions?

Good. I thought so.

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