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Today’s Philosophy On Combining Jelly Beans To Form Flavors They Don’t Create Themselves

Two root beers plus one cream soda makes a root beer float.

I sit there looking at the back of the Jelly Belly package obsessed with these amazing creations. Two coconut and one chocolate plus one cheesecake plus one raspberry plus two cherries make a chocolate raspberry cheesecake pie.

C’mon people. Give me a break.

First of all, these combinations hardly ever taste like the objects you’re telling me they’re going to taste like. Second of all, you assume that when I open the package of jelly beans I don’t eat a few at the top of the package, thus ruining the potential creations because there aren’t enough of what I need left in the package. Third of all, why wouldn’t you just MAKE a root beer float jelly bean into one bean and then we’d never have this issue.

Well, I’ve figured out why.

Technology, apparently, has yet to reach the point where one jelly bean can contain more than one complicated flavor. Sure, the people at the Harry Potter Institution, in conjunction with Warner Bros. and the release of those movies were able to come up with their own jelly beans like “vomit” and “whooping cough” but those are one flavor. Sure, you can say that a vomit flavored jelly bean contains many flavors, but really the acid flavor overpowers everything else. (If you think I’m kidding about these Harry Potter beans, go check the net. They’re real.)

So if, indeed, technology is unable to quench the flavor desires of multiple-flavor jelly bean afficionados, then what Jelly Belly is doing is a public service. Providing us with the road map to a better banana split. Giving us the directions to a superior sugar cookie. Letting us in on the secrets that reveal how to create a baked alaska.

I appreciate it, really I do.

But with all the strides we’re making in other areas of the world from micro-chips to wireless technology, you’d think someone in the Food & Drug Administration would push a little more cash towards the Jelly Belly folks. Then, maybe in the near future, we could be graced with a bag of “Ice Cream Flavor” beans or a “Wolfgang Puck Four Course Meal” bean package. That would be really damn cool.

Until then, however, I guess I’m just going to have to stick with this bean plus that bean minus those beans combined with these two beans to give me what I want.

It’s a lot of work, but for sugar…what the hell.

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