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Today’s Imaginary Political Conversation with John Kerry (By Someone Who Knows Nothing About P

Lately there have been a lot of political things going on in the world. Things that people are talking about and writing about and having debates about on TV, in the newspapers and on that cable channel where they mostly talk about books. The bottom line is this — political things are happening and they must be addressed before they develop into very serious political things.

I immediately arranged for an interview with John Kerry, who is very important because of the things he’s been doing lately that have been talked about on TV, in the newspapers and on that cable channel I mentioned in the previous paragraph. He is the “IT” man of the moment, and I figured I’d pull him aside for a quick 10 minutes to find out why.

He didn’t even mind meeting me at the local L.A. Mexican restaurant, Baja Fresh.

I ordered Mr. John Kerry a bare burrito – which is a bowl filled with black beans, peppers, chicken, rice and light salsa. Only 550 calories. Doesn’t come with chips unless you ask for them ahead of time.

John Kerry: Thanks for the food, Paul.

Me: No problem, Jim.

John Kerry: It’s John.

Me: Huh?

John Kerry: Nothing.

Me: So. People are talking a lot about you lately. You seem to be the subject of a lot of conversations these days.

John Kerry: Conversations about what?

Me: You know. Conversations about political issues and such.

John Kerry: I see…

Me: What I’d like to know, on behalf of all my readers, is just what it is about you that’s caused you to be such the center of attention in the political world.

John Kerry: Well, I am the Presumptive Democratic Nominee.

Me: Aaaaah-ha.

John Kerry: You know what that means…?

Me: Duh. Of course I do.

A beat.

Me: So…have you found it a tough battle, being such a Presumer on the road to the Supreme Court?

John Kerry: I’m not on the Supreme Court.

Me: You’ve never been to the Supreme Court?

John Kerry: I’ve been there. But I-

Me: Well, so was it cool? Big room, eh?

John Kerry: Yes, it’s a big room. Don’t you want to ask me any questions about my platform?

I look down at the table we’re sitting at.

Me: Baja Fresh owns the platform, not you.

John Kerry takes a bite out of his burrito bowl.

Me: I think I speak for all Americans when I tell you that I’m extremely honored to be talking to someone as important as you are, to the newsworthyness of the political system.

John Kerry: Uh, thanks.

Me: And I just want you to know that I think all the attention is very important and newsworthy.

John Kerry: Well, I guess I agree with you.

Me: And coming from someone like me who has his finger on the pulse of all the important political decisions that are made on a daily basis inside this great country of ours, I can tell you that I am confident that you are an important man whose decisions are both newsworthy and dare I say, important.

John Kerry: Well, thank you. I guess.

Me: Very good. Do you like the bare burrito bowl?

John Kerry: Yes, I do.

Me: Good. Very very good.

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