Today’s Imaginary Conversation With My Left Knee
Yeah, yeah — obviously it didn’t take much planning or effort to get my left knee on board for a W.F.M.E. interview, but it was eye opening nonetheless.
Me: Hey you.
Paul’s Left Knee: Hi, Paul.
Me: Thanks for making yourself available for today’s interview. I’ve never done a body part interview other than that one with Justin Timberlake’s left breast, so I appreciate the effort you’ve made.
Paul’s Left Knee: Uh, I go wherever you go.
Me: Yeah, and I appreciate that.
Paul’s Left Knee: I don’t have a choice.
Me: Right, and I appreciate how you never complain.
Paul’s Left Knee: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Well, that’s sorta my job — but okay. Go ahead.
Paul’s Left Knee: Why are you always banging me into the sharpened wooden ends of coffee tables?
Me: Uh, sort of an accident I guess.
Paul’s Left Knee: And doorjambs?
Paul’s Left Knee: Fireplaces?
Paul’s Left Knee: The painful edge of opened-car doors?
Me: I got it, I got it. I’m sorry. They’re all accidents. What do you think, it doesn’t hurt me when I do that?
Paul’s Left Knee: But why not your right knee? What’s up with that? Some kind of left-knee bigotry?
Me: Can we change the subject?
Paul’s Left Knee: Sure, fine.
Me: Thank you. So, can you tell my readers what it’s like being an anatomical body part?
Paul’s Left Knee: Painful.
Me: Oh, c’mon now.
Paul’s Left Knee: I answered your damn question. Jeeez, what do you want from me!?
Me: Okay, OK. Which do you prefer…shorts or denim jeans?
Paul’s Left Knee: Definitely denim. Gives me a little bit of cushion for those times that you slam me into sharp, painful objects.
Me: I give up.
Paul’s Left Knee: I’m cartilage, not iron! Not steel! I break, I crack, I hurt. Maybe you could try to get that through your cartilage-thick skull!
(Editor’s Note: At this point in the conversation, I terminated the interview by putting on a pair of sweatpants. WFME does not do well with hostile interview subjects. I’m sorry. I apologize for my left knee.)