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Today’s Imaginary Conversation with Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast

The following interview took place February 9th, 2004 in a hotel room suite at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills, California:

Me: So, hi.

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Can I get a glass of orange juice?

I wave over the hotel manager, who waves over a hotel worker, who quickly provides a freshly squeezed glass of O.J..

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Mmm, good. Thanks for the juice.

Me: No problem. So, I guess the first question I have is… What do you make of all that Superbowl chaos?

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Well… I felt bad for Justin more than I did for Janet. From what I could tell through Justin’s shirt… He left one of the buttons open so I had a perfectly good line of sight to see the whole thing when it went down… Let’s just say this, Justin was a victim. Plain and simple.

Me: A victim? How do you figure?

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Well, all the guy did was rip off her right breast plate. How was he to know that a fleshy visitor was waiting for her coming out party?

Me: What about you? How has this affected you?

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Personally, I find it a little demoralizing. I mean, breasts have been struggling for years for their own independence. Check the web, there’s a ton of petitions currently with more than a hundred thousand breasts’ names on the list. We’re worse off here in the States. Look at the rest of the world… Breasts are out, working in media, free to express themselves. But here? We’re like slaves to undergarments. This whole Superbowl thing, well, you saw how crazy the media went. I don’t think I’ll be seeing the light of day anytime soon.

Me: Sure, sure. But don’t you think it’s different being a female breast compared to being a male breast?

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: I don’t buy into the gender card. A breast is a breast.

Justin Timberlake’s left breast take a moment, drinks the rest of his juice.

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Don’t you have any questions that don’t pertain to the Superbowl thing?

I think. For what seems like an hour.

Me: Any Academy Award picks?

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: Bill Murray. I’m sure of it. Plus, I’m a big fan of his. He’s a big supporter of breasts.

Me: Thanks for your time. My readers appreciate it.

Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast: No problem, Paul. No problem.

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