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Today’s Imaginary Conversation with Former Subway Spokesperson, Jared

It’s rare that one gets a chance to sit down with a person who most Americans consider to be the best weight-loss personality in the world. It’s almost mind-blowing to think that the man who is best known for trimming his figure by eating nothing but Subway sandwiches would even take time out to discuss his process and his goal-setting systems. It is amazing that he chose to sit down with me.

But he did. So, pffffbbbbt!

Strangely, the only place Jared would meet me was at a local Subway establishment. There, I was met with a huge platter of free sandwiches. Jared was already eating.

Jared: Hi, Paul.

Me: Hi, Jared.

Jared: Care for a tasty Subway sandwich? They’re low in calories and a great addition to any Atkins friendly diet.

Me: No, thanks. I already ate.

Jared: You already ate?

Me: Yeah, grabbed a cheeseburger on my way here at the drive-thru.

Jared: A cheeseburger?

Me: Yeah.

Jared: Was it good?

Jared stared at me whilst he gripped a vegetarian, wheat-breaded sandwich in his hands. The tomatoes and peppers and dry bread (sans mayo) seemed to be falling all over the place.

Me: Uh, yeah. Why?

Jared: No reason. Want a six-inch veggie sandwich? They’re tasty, healthy and a great way to strip off all those unwanted pounds.

Me: No, I already ate. Remember?

Jared did sort of a weird double-take. Hard to explain, but it was like he was having an internal malfunction or something. Then he smiled and took three fast munches of the sandwich.

Me: You love those sandwiches, don’t you.

Jared: I ate nothing but Subway sandwiches for months and months and months and months. That’s how I lost all the weight and how I keep off all the weight and continue to be a spokesperson for Subway.

Me: That must be extremely exciting for you.

Jared: Yeah. Did your cheeseburger have bacon on it?

Me: Uh, yeah. And pickles.

Jared then dropped the mangled sandwich from his hand, which hand indentations of his fingers forever marked into the bread.

Jared: I used to love pickles.

Me: Cool.

Jared: I used to love a lot of things.

Me: Uh huh.

Jared: I used to…

And then, well, I assume the interview was over. He got up, threw the entire platter of veggie and low-cal Subway sandwiches onto the floor, shoved a 10-year old kid into the chip rack and ran into the street screaming something about “Super-sizing” something.

I don’t think I’ve seen him do many Subway commercials since that day, but I suspect he’s just holed up somewhere eating tomatoes and peppers.

You know, cause they’re such a great Atkins-friendly food.

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