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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Amazing Invention — Edible Toothpicks!

For today’s blindingly-amazing great, intelligent idea — I should receive the Nobel Prize.

There are people out there who have heard this idea before and they scoff at me. They scoff at me much like the people who scoffed at the guy who invented the Pet Rock. They scoff at me much like the people who scoffed at the guy who invented Pop Rocks. They scoff because their brain capacity is so much smaller than mine. And my brain has invented edible toothpicks.

(Ed. note: This idea has already been submitted to the patent office in case you want to try and steal it for your own.)

If you were sitting across from me right now, I would ask you these questions:

1. How often do you eat sandwiches?

2. How often do said sandwiches fall apart in your hands?

3. When you eat huge deli sandwiches with toothpicks holding them together, do you ever find yourself having a less than stellar eating experience because you cannot just take carefree bites, but must eat around the sharpened wooden stick of death?

4. Do you ever just shout to the sky, “When will God see fit to replace these woody, needle like food-piercing objects with something more humane!?”

Well, my friends. Today is your last day of bloody, punctured roof-o’-the-mouth injuries. You will never ever have to face your family and friends with holes in your head. Because I have invented the amazing product I like to call…edible toothpicks.

Toothpick shaped dehydrated food. Salami, olive, fruit, cucumber, etcetera! Any kind of food that can be dehydrated and shaped can be an edible toothpick. So, when you’re eating that salami sub and you get to your edible “olive” toothpick — no worries! Just eat away and eat the toothpick!

I can tell by your silence that you obviously realize how substantial of an invention this is, and that you wish you were currently a dependent of mine.

Keep on wishing, friends. Keep on wishing.

In other news, I used a Q-Tip to clean out my bellybutton today.

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