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  • Paul Davidson

Throat Scratching and Gleek

I would like to take a few minutes tonight to explain to you why people misunderstand my “talents” as “freakish quirks”.

I don’t mind telling you that I am unique and sociable. Happy and friendly. Extremely aware of my surroundings, sometimes so much so that I can tell you if there’s dust falling on your shoulder. But at the center of my uniqueness are two talents that boggle the mind. Seriously, I should be on Ripley’s Believe It or Not. Or not.

A big shout out to any of you who know how to scratch your throats. Can you do it? It’s so hard to explain how I do it, but the sound is something like a mix between Donald Duck and a dying mallard who was just shot out of the sky. First, a tickle in my throat. An itch. But if you’re not a model, and not used to sticking your finger down your throat — well, you just can’t find a way to battle the scratch. That is, unless you know how to scratch your throat. For those who do it, please step up and agree with me that it’s an amazing talent to have within your powers. For those who can’t — here are the steps to do it:

1. Close your mouth.

2. Clench your teeth together.

3. Tense up the muscles at the back of your throat.

4. With your throat closed, pull air in, causing the strange duck sounds.

5. Repeat and continue until the itch is gone.

Congratulations! You’ve done it! Your days of itchy throats is now over.

As for gleeking, well there’s very few people who can do it as successfully as I can. Some have tried and failed. What is gleeking? It is when you can spray a stream of liquid from underneath your tongue. Sometimes, you may have done it by accident while eating a sour candy — liquid does a quick spray from underneath your tongue. But I can do it on command. And the stream goes as high as 4 feet over my head, as far as 10 feet. How do you do it?

1. Eat a sour candy.

2. When finished or while eating it, chew on the edge of your tongue. You’ll get that tingly feeling in your jaw or under your tongue.

3. Bend the tip of your tongue backwards and below your top row of teeth.

4. Use your tongue muscle to push from underneath your tongue.

5. Walla!

Keep in mind — people may think you’re gross or spitting at them. This is totally untrue. In fact, you are spraying CLEAR SALIVA. Spit is saliva mixed with throat juice. But gleek is simply pure, perfect saliva. If you ever find yourself without a way to wash your hands, well, just gleek into them and you’re home free.

I’m glad I was able to take the time tonight to teach. They always say the world needs more teachers and so I feel as though I have done my part this evening.

Next month’s class syllabus will be available next week on the site.

In other news, it appears as if I am no longer having those “I have nothing to say” issues.

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