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  • Paul Davidson

Theories on Vacuuming

First of all, if you say the word “vacuuming” over and over again, before long you’ll have no idea what the hell kind of word it is, what it means, and why it’s even spelled that way. Say it for more than an hour and you’ll probably go insane. I stopped at 32 minutes and 12 seconds and felt a migraine coming on.

What that is, I have no idea.

I started thinking about technology as I vacuumed the house (in lieu of finishing a pitch that I need to finish in order to pitch studios) and wondered aloud, then quietly, then aloud again just how people USED TO get along without all our modern technology. Can you believe, there was a point where people had to WRITE their essays for school? They had to SEND DOCUMENTS in NORMAL EVERYDAY SLOW MAIL just to get a piece of paper to someone. They had to call, deal with buzy signals, then keep calling until they hung up?

That’s insane.

That’s why I can’t believe that there are people out there who don’t have call waiting. I mean, seriously — why is it that people don’t sign up for that? You know, some of them say things like, It’s so rude to switch over to another call when I’m on the phone with someone else. Ok, sure. But then you’re going to MISS YOUR CALLS!

By right about now you’re thinking to yourself, Right, I get you. But what about the vacuums? Why do you think I’m sitting here reading through your damn blog if not to find out the huge answer to life’s biggest questions, and of course, to find out your theories on vacuuming…

Sit back. Or sit down. Get ready. Here are my theories on vacuuming.

1. Vacuuming was invented when someone accidentally did one of those backwards cough things while laying on the floor, inadvertently sucking up a piece of garbage off the floor and then thinking to themselves — Well, jeez. If I could only invent a mechanism that would suck up garbage off the floor, I would be a millionaire!.

2. Someone has made a killing off the adding of HEPA FILTERS onto Vacuums, and getting people like me to buy them because we’re stupid and afraid of dying by inhalation of some powdery substance.

3. The word vacuuming, spelling backwards is “Ginmuucav”, which if you break it down, could possibly mean “Gin” (a drink), “Muc” (Muc, as in garbage) and “Av” (A/V, or Audio Visual). If you think of the three words together, it means something to effect of:

Drinking garbage, in an audio visual manner.

Get it? Vacuuming, is pretty much the “drinking IN of garbage, visually”. And really, isn’t that what you do when you vacuum? You look (visually) and listen (to hear for garbage being picked up) as your mechanism sucks up (or drinks IN) garbage.

Just call me your Official Entymologist (study of words guy).

I’m a little all over the place today, I know. It’s called PROCRASTINATION. What did I do so far today? I’ll let you in on a few secrets.

A. Finished rewriting my Joan of Arcadia script. This has now been handed off to my managers and my friends. The script will go via my managers to agents (in preparation of this year’s staffing season for TV) and via some secret high-level friends to the people responsible for the show itself. In a perfect world, someone famous will use the pages of my script for toilet paper.

B. Drank IN garbage, in an audio/visual manner throughout the house.

C. Started my pitch treatment for this feature-film my managers and I will be taking to studios in a few weeks. Then stopped. Then ate ice cream. Then ordered American Wedding via Pay Per View, only to realize 10 minutes in that I had already seen it in the movies and hated it.

D. Wrote in the blog.

I used to wonder why my parents and older people had trouble remembering names. My grandmother to this day calls Jen, Jan. I’ll talk to my parents and they’ll mention that they just rented the movie “King of the Rings” (uh, Lord anyone?).

I worry I’m losing my mind. And my patience.

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