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  • Paul Davidson

The Tale Can Now Be Told

I’m feeling better, thanks for asking.

Chalk this one up to Pauly D being brainwashed by television advertising, which sucked him in while watching the cool new show life as we know it on ABC. Somewhere while Tivo’ing past the commercials, I was forced to press play when the beautiful pizza commercial showed up.

Domino’s had a brand new pizza called “The Doublemelt Pizza” which was described as “two thin crusts surrounding a creamy blend of cheese and herbs…” It appealed to me due to the thin crusts (we’re watching carbs, aren’t we?) and the uniqueness of it all. I mean, when was the last time I had eaten a pizza with a creamy blend of cheese and herbs sandwiched inbetween the dough? Sure, I had eaten crust infused with cheese, but a creamy blend?

At the time, I should have stuck with Pauly’s food eating rule 4B — The only time you eat something that involves the word “creamy” (to avoid food poisoning) is when you cook it yourself in the privacy of your own kitchen.

The pizzas were eaten at 7pm PST on Thursday night. By 2am, the cold-sweats and the stomach cramps started. It was, to say the least…joy.

I obviously won’t get into all the gory details, but seeing as though I once wrote a book about customer service, there is a part of the story worth telling. Somewhere inbetween puking my guts out, I placed a call to the Dominos in question. I explained to them that I had gotten food poisoning from their wonderful new addition to the Domino’s menu and that I wanted to inform them that they possibly had some bad food going out to the public. The General Manager seemed less concerned about my sickness and more concerned about-

Gen. Manager: Do you think maybe you’re allergic to pizza?

Me: I know the difference between allergies and food poisoning. Allergies don’t cause you to puke out your guts.

Gen. Manager: Did you see a doctor? To find out the cause of this sickness?

Me: Your pizza made me sick.

Gen. Manager: Well, we sold eight other pizzas last night just like the kind you got, and no one has called to say they got sick.

I proceeded to tell the General Manager that I wasn’t looking for free coupons or any reimbursements — that all I was looking for was an apology. That was it. Just wanted to let you know you’re sending out sickness in a cardboard box. But the General Manager wasn’t concerned about apologizing, he was just concerned about covering his own ass. I made sure he knew that we’d be calling Domino’s main office and complaining.

Needless to say, when the owner called me back 30 minutes later from his cell phone, it was obvious the General Manager had called him in a panic — for someone out there was going to get him in trouble.

The owner was better, when it came to Customer Service. Even if it was all an act, he was apologetic and sincere — concerned that maybe they had caused the food poisoning. He even offered up free coupons for free pizzas…

Which was quickly declined.

In the end, the saddest part of it all is that I will probably not eat pizza for sometime. It’s also sad that based on Domino’s advertising campaign which uses the word “creamy”, “herbs” and “cheese” in one sentence — I will probably refrain from eating anything remotely creamy for some time. Fortunately, cereal does not fall into that category.

There always is a silver-lining, isn’t there?

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