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  • Paul Davidson

The Second Coming of the Question Game

It has been some time, dear WFME readers, since The Question Game has shown itself. But, alas — just when you thought it was gone for good, it comes back to pose the questions that you, yourself, never have been asked.

Question #1 Pick one of the following to happen to you.

a. You are diagnosed with a very strange disease that, upon drinking water, causes your ear lobes to stretch and hang so low that they just graze the top of your shoulders. Said stretched ear lobes stay this way for one hour after drinking any kind of water (carbonated or not).

b. You are deaf in one ear.

Question #2 A or B, your choice.

a. Your boss has just informed you that you are to take on another employee beneath you, that you will have to chaperone through the company for the next year. This new employee is a part of a special exchange program with the Government and just happens to be a very adept, very intelligent 12 month old chimp. You must house said chimp, change its diapers and teach it to work Excel before the end of the year is up or you will lose your job. You may name your chimp but must also take it with you everywhere you go — fellow employees may not be told why you have a chimp with you for fear of them worrying that the chimp may take over their job when the year is up. It’s hush hush.

b. You must wear a chimp-head mask 24-7 and when people talk to you, you cannot speak in your own voice but must make chimp noises. Mind you, you can write things out on paper to communicate – but may not speak or take the mask off ANY TIME. Not even to wash your head in the shower — you must, in that scenario, allow water to drip through the eye holes to cleanse you.

Question #3 One or the other, just don’t call me brother.

a. You wake up one day to find that your voice is no longer your voice, but the voice of a 5 year old girl from a Southern Baptist upbringing.

b. You wake up one day to find a 5 year old girl from a Southern Baptist upbringing in your bed.

Question #4 Would you prefer to…

a. Become the sole proprieter of a phone service where you are on-call 24 hours a day for 5 strangers who all have insomnia. Each stranger has a different subject they will want to talk endlessly to you about in the middle of the night, and these subjects include: Pre-1800 British History, Jello, Barbie Doll Collecting, The Drake Equation and The Pros and Cons of Llamas.

b. Have family members who teach Pre-1800 British History, wrestle in Jello to pay the rent, collect Barbie Dolls to the point of being broke, obsess over alien abductions and have a pet Llama that they bring to family events (and who is always spitting at you.)

Question #5 Would you rather have…

a. A family of gnomes (4 of them, including mom/dad/son/daughter and a strange pet you’ve never heard of in normal human circles) living under your desk. You cannot talk to them, look at them or even inquire as to what they’re doing but periodically throughout the day you can feel them moving around your feet and making strange noises. At the end of the day, you find strange markings and powdery/liquidy substances on your shoes.

b. A family of gnomes (as explained above) living in your front foyer closet (where you hang coats). You never see them, but you hear them constantly. And when people ask what the noise is, you can only say that “it must be the house settling.” They will be there FOREVER and when you die, they will take ownership of your house or apartment.

Question #6 Which would you rather happen to you?

a. Every night at 9:10 pm the phone will ring and you must pick it up — the person on the other line will be one of the many fast-food cashiers or drive-thru personalities you have ordered food from throughout your life. Each night it will be a different one and you must spend 30 minutes catching up with them on their lives. If anyone asks, it’s just a phone solicitor.

b. Every night at 9:10 pm you must eat a food item from a fast food restaurant.

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