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  • Paul Davidson

The Questions, They Are A Changin’

Oh, joyous weekend. Oh, happy Saturday. What better way to start the second weekend in June, but to re-visit the most favorite-ist, awesome-ist question game ever.

You know the rules.

Question #1 Choose one of the following to happen to you.

a. Your parents have never remembered your name. It doesn’t matter if you put your name on a tag on your shirt or wear a hat with your name on it. They will never remember your name. So, instead, they refer to you as “Hey, You” and “Whatchamajigger.”

b. Your parents have named you Bobbi or Bob.

Question #2 Pick one.

a. Every night just as you’re about to fall asleep, your phone rings. You must pick it up. On the other side of the line is someone trying to do a horrible Richard Nixon accent. You must stay awake, let the Richard Nixon impressionist tell you a story about the good ‘ol days in the Nixon White House, then 20 minutes later you can go to sleep.

b. Every night, just as you’re about to fall asleep, your girlfriend/partner/significant other puts on (instead of a night mask) a plastic mask that makes them look like Richard Nixon.

Question #3 You know the drill.

a. You wake up and realize that in the middle of the night you have accidentally swallowed your old school pager — the kind that vibrates. Unfortunately, even though it is no longer tied to a service contract, the pager goes off every hour on the hour, set in tune with the internal clock. Also, unfortunately — said vibrating pager (which also plays the tune of “Oh Susannah” when it vibrates) cannot be removed. When the said pager vibrates and plays the song, even though it is stuck in your body, people around you can hear it. It sounds like it’s coming from inside of you. You can tell people all you want that you’ve got a pager in your stomach, if you really want to.

b. Your stomach has been reduced to 90% of its original size, only allowing you extremely tiny meals and liquids for the rest of your life.

Question #4 A or B, tee hee hee

a. You must carry a head of iceberg lettuce around with you no matter how old or rotten it becomes. You must carry it in a baby bjorn and refer to it as your best friend, “Sven” who you met at an Internet Conference in Sweden. You must take it with you everywhere and you must always shriek when you see others eating salads. At least, salads with iceberg lettuce in it.

b. You must eat nothing but salads for the rest of your life.

Question #5 Last one, and then we’re done.

a. You may only speak to people using lines from The Breakfast Club. Such lines at your disposal include: “If Andrew gets up, we’ll all get up, it’ll be anarchy!” and “That man… is a brownie hound.” and “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

b. You may only speak to people using lines from Out of Africa. Such lines at your disposal include: “He always brought the grammophone with him on safari. Two rifles, food for seven days – and Mozart!!!” and “We’re off to Magadhi to shoot some ivory!” and “I have learned a thing you have not. There are some things worth having, but they come at a price. And I want to be one of them.”

Your answers, as always, are eagerly awaited.

In other news, I will be taking a quick jaunt to San Francisco this weekend, so if you’re in the Bay Area and want to try to contact me via psychic means, please do so. I will be on channel Left Brain, Frequency 2.3 mhz..

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